How parents unintentionally push teens away

Dr Asha Pemberton

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

No parent is perfect and the craft of parenthood evolves in real time. In the best of situations, parents of teens constantly learn alongside their teens. Together they must navigate a rapidly changing world with new roles and expectations held for young people. Despite good intention, parents unfortunately often engage in behaviours that lead to a fractured parent-teen relationship. At the core, parents must remember that struggle for autonomy, experimentation and limit-testing are normal during this phase of development. Parenting teens must take into account these factors while limiting behaviours that may push them away.

Suffocating their independence

A critical outcome of adolescence is the ability to function fully and effectively as a young adult. This requires independent thinking and action. Young people require opportunities to set their own boundaries and make their own decisions. Through learning from the outcomes of these decisions young people are better able to become more effective in time. The quest for independence in adolescence should not be perceived as rudeness or disrespect, but the natural tendency toward self-directed action, which should be encouraged and supervised.

Interrogating and nagging

While teenagers generally want to feel that their parents are interested in their lives, they universally dislike being accosted and questioned as soon as they return home from school. When young people feel judged or have their actions disapproved or overreacted to they become quite good at hiding and being dishonest about their lives. In addition to over questioning, some parents, in an attempt to teach, tend to bombard their teens with a long list of demands. Allow teenagers the time to rest and restore at the end of the day. Teens will crave some privacy, and once respected within reason they are more likely to engage in wider family activities.

Inattention and distracted listening

When your teen decides they are in the mood to talk and share their lives, they need and deserve complete attention. Parents are often guilty of multi-tasking, scrolling social media or doing chores while half-heartedly listening to their teens. It is true that young people often demonstrate these behaviours themselves, but in order to create the best parent-teen relationship, parents need to lead by example. Sit quietly, make eye contact and listen intently. Young people are very aware when they are not being focussed upon.

Criticism and judgement

Constant disapproval of your teen’s appearance, actions, attitudes, academic performance, friends, habits or cleanliness slowly erodes their self-esteem. While there will be many things that require correction and guidance timing is everything. Frequent disapproval or judgments can trigger feelings of low self-worth and eventually drive teens away.

Young people need to choose their own path, even if it differs from that of their parents. Ridicule, high pressure or forcing will not recreate the perfect adolescent, but rather serve to alienate and discourage an otherwise functioning one. Take time to get to know and understand your young person and through mindfully positive parenting, it is possible to create a healthy relationship that supports them into their emerging young adult life.