On expectations

Disappointment comes easily to me. I may not be good at much, but I have to hand it to me, with disappointment, I’m as good as anyone else. Some people – people I think of as better adjusted and generally of a more mentally healthy disposition – are good at something known as “acceptance.” I have nothing but admiration for them.

I, on the other hand, can be disappointed in all sorts of ways, at a moment’s notice and, indeed, for very small reasons. It is not that I am a malcontent. It is that I seem to be afflicted by many and varied expectations.

Someone once said, “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Some people think Neil Strauss, author of The Truth – an Uncomfortable Book About Relationships, is the person to thank for this neat turn of phrase. Others think it comes out of the Alcoholics Anonymous groups. Whoever said it, I thank them. It is unlikely I would ever have come up with it and it’s a really good line.

Today, this very day, the first of the year, is a day on which people like to make lists of things they plan on doing differently. Or maybe they made the list before and today is the day on which they mean to begin the new things.

Today they will start getting up on time; they will begin exercising; they will be more patient with their small children and elderly parents. Today, people the world over, have promised themselves they will eat more healthily, quit smoking, take better care of their spiritual lives, and learn the foxtrot.

All of these good intentions are good ideas up until the point at which they are put to the test. Then, more often than not, they become those really good things we meant to do until crisis, flood, famine, lack of baby-sitters, busy schedules, and stress got in the way,

But back to expectations and resentments. Disappointment in myself comes fast and with a vengeance when I don’t live up to my own expectations of myself. This is why I don’t make resolutions (for the new year or at any time). Trying is a thing I am able to follow through on. I work on trying a lot and I can’t recommend it highly enough. Trying, as opposed to making a pact with myself, keeps me sane.

With trying I know I can keep going – and here’s the really important bit – without judgment. If I had an expectation that I was going to behave in a certain way, disappointment would follow if I didn’t. And enough disappointment almost certainly festers into resentment. I have enough angst in my life without adding the misery of self-resentment to the mix.

Consider my dog. Dog is on a new diet that comprises exactly one kind of special chow, three times a day. Dog, to put it mildly, is horrified. Dog previously lived in a world filled with surprise treats, home-made dinners, left-over cat food, and anything-that-fell-to-the-floor.

Now, thrice a day, vile-chow-from-a-bag is doled out, exactly one cup at a time. Dog, someone accustomed to the aforementioned manner of eating, did not imagine such a fate could befall him. So, when he was given his first bland-chow meal, he refused it. And so too with the second, third, fourth and fifth. He kept this up for nearly a week. Once I found him trying to eat a piece of cloth.

Dog had certain culinary expectations. When, by veterinary decree, I could no longer satisfy those expectations, it is safe to say that what followed was nothing short of resentment and despair. Beware the fate of dogs.

Just because you are not a dog in my care does not mean you are spared these feelings. We have expectations all the time. We insist upon believing that people will act the way they have in the past. We believe they will act the way we expect them to. We think we know them and can therefore predict their decisions and responses.

We can’t. We can’t even do these things for ourselves, let alone others.

We do know that disappointment, rejection, unpleasant shocks can all lead to stress, grief, anxiety, depression, even trauma and more serious responses. Somewhere out there is the answer to how we go about changing our expectations. I am not convinced by anything I’ve read or heard that I have that answer.

I do know I have to find a way to alter my expectations, or I’ll always rue the fact I can’t foxtrot.

Remember to talk to your doctor or therapist if you want to know more about what you read here. In many cases, there’s no single solution or diagnosis to a mental health concern. Many people suffer from more than one condition.