Teens and grief over Christmas

Dr Asha Pemberton

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

May the warmth and love of the Christmas season cover us all with good tidings and peace. Even for those who do not celebrate, the holiday period brings with it times of laughter, connection and sharing.

As we arrive upon Christmas 2022 in a world still grappling with the effects of the pandemic, it is expected that many young people are grieving. Tweens and teens of our islands have had to grapple with many forms of loss over the past few years.

Tangible losses through death of parents, wider family and friends; and the intangible losses through missed opportunities and milestones. It is important to recognise that many young people in our community will experience heightened grief at this time and will require specific supports.

Awareness

The pain of grief is personal yet universal. We all experience the hurt, anger and powerlessness of loss in different ways and through varying timelines. For those caring for young people who are grieving, it is a good first step to be aware that grief manifests in different ways, particularly during adolescence. Some teens will frankly refuse to participate in family based activities or traditions; preferring to retreat into their personal spaces. Others may act out through insolence, arguing or outright disrespect. While others may want to spend all their time speaking of and remembering someone lost. Understanding the individual responses to grief is the basis of providing the support needed.

Understanding the process

There is no pre-defined time-line through which grief occurs. Parents and carers should recognise that the Christmas season evokes memories of family activities and traditions which can unearth unresolved pain from even many years ago. For young people who have experienced newer losses compounding older unresolved grief, the combination can lead to more catastrophic emotional upheaval. The way to manage these emotions is to feel them, process them and systematically learn strategies of coping and moving forward.

Planning ahead

In many families, there will be the expectation of a more challenging season based on experiences of illness or death. In these cases parents need to take the time to assess their own feelings and abilities to cope, before reacting to the responses of their teens. It may be beneficial in some contexts to intentionally engage in family routines, as a mark of respect and honour. For some, however, it may be more manageable to change the environment completely, and engage in a new tradition for this year. These become very individual decisions, but yet important choices which must be made and planned.

Memorialise in history

The impact of journalling is multiple-fold during times of grief and loss. In the immediate sense it allows young people a tangible forum to express their thoughts and feelings in a safe way. Family based journals are particularly useful, as they allow everyone the opportunity to connect and share in grief, reaffirming that all members are affected, despite often different ways of presentation. And finally, recordings of the experiences today are beautiful documents to revisit in the future. Whether these or other approaches are chosen, for the families who are grieving this Christmas, take intentional time to process emotions, be aware of the many ways grief presents and connect with young people who are affected.