Managing your ego

Kanisa George

Where would we be without our ego? That part of the conscious mind that allows us to identify with our inner selves and our understanding of self-importance?

From a psychoanalytic perceptive, our ego links that portion of the human personality experienced as the "self" or "I" with the external world through perception. It is by our very view of ourselves that we can understand everything around us and find our footing in the world.

Ego, according to Sigmund Freud, is one of three agencies proposed in his theory that helps describe the dynamics of the human mind. Notably, the ego concept is a collection of beliefs that arise when one asks the question, "Who am I?"

But how does our response to this question feed into our relationships? And does our relationship with our sense of self, with our egos, influence our relationship with others?

Psychologists who weigh in on this approach believe that how we view ourselves seriously impacts how we view others, which determines the strength of those relationships.

So for example, where one has developed an unrealistic self-concept such as a superiority complex or an inflated sense of self, they are more inclined to maintain selfish traits when approaching relationships.

People who exhibit a sense of inferiority or a fragile sense of identity can struggle to manage their emotional state in a relationship and might exhibit excessive vulnerability. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

What's fascinating about the ego concept is how it shows up as an unconscious reaction when triggered.

Because our ego develops during our formative years, it is often viewed as a form of protection. When this is reflected in our relationships, we inevitably respond by drawing our shields.

One writer found that in an effort to protect ourselves, the ego resorts to resistance, arguing, sarcasm, put-downs, depression, withdrawal, aggression and frustration. And the list goes on and on. Relationship expert Eve Hogan believes that the ego's choices become the obstacles to love, and our relationships turn into ego battleships.

"You've got a huge ego!"

Experts and psychologists agree that an inflated view of self-importance contributes to conflict in relationships and significantly impacts the overall dynamic. When one demonstrates excess self-importance in a relationship, it is often the case that egotism is the order of the day when plagued by threats or insecurities.

The overwhelming desire to always be right is often at play in relationships, and when one exhibits egotistical characteristics they will hardly listen to their partner as they subconsciously believe their opinion is the only one that matters.

Sadly, this desire to be right will outweigh everything else and usually results in their partner being voiceless.

A heightened sense of self can have the potential to create unhealthy competition in a relationship. Instead of enjoying friendly competition with your partner, feelings of jealousy, anger and bitterness underscore the interaction.

Our egos represent a sensitive part of our psyche; but unfortunately, some people have failed to develop a positive sense of self. Instead, a fragile sense of identity prevails, which makes it challenging to practise self-love.

Because self-love is crucial to individuality, it gets in the way of the proper development of other relationships.

Psychologists found that when self-love isn't present in a relationship, it leads to feelings of rejection and unworthiness, which can result in our partners' possessiveness and unhealthy attachments.

Not only can our egos affect our romantic relationships, but they can also form a wedge in our friendships and relationships with family members.

Consider this, have you racked up a series of unsuccessful relationships throughout your life? Consequently, your ego might have something to do with that.

So what should we do?

One writer suggests gaining control of your ego. But how is this done?

The first step is to acknowledge the existence of your ego and when its head comes to the surface negatively, find practical ways to work around it.

Instead of talking, practise active listening. Remind yourself that your friend, relative or partner has an equal say in your relationship and seek their opinions instead of focusing on yourself.

Also, call yourself to task when you exhibit negative behaviour.

It is crucial to practise self-reflection by having conversations with yourself about your emotions and how they manifest. Then, identify your weak points and actively work on remedying same.

We would be nothing without our ego, but instead of letting it control us, we must work alongside it to conceive the best image of ourselves.