What is your attachment style?

Kanisa George

As human beings, we are drawn to the concept of togetherness. Whether we subconsciously yearn for another or find ways to remain connected with friends or loved ones, we all have the desire to stay in tune with other human beings at some point in our lives. The need to belong, made theorised by psychologist Roy Baumeister, is one of the leading forces that drive individuals and influence our desire for closeness and intimacy.

Cultivating relationships has been shown repeatedly to be a survival mechanism, and staying connected requires much more than causal interactions or feelings of excitement while bonding over shared interests. It calls for sustained affections and feelings of closeness that are paramount to achieving synergy and fusion in any relationship. To get to this place of "oneness," a strong emotional attachment is required.

British psychologist John Bowlby described attachment as a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings. Based on his theory, attachment is a form of learned behaviour we develop during infancy, which stays with us into adulthood. This initial interaction between child and caregiver is so pervasive that it has an impact how well we can form healthy attachments as adults. Surprisingly, research shows that even our relationships at the workplace are affected by how well connected we are as children.

Bowlby believes that nurturance and responsiveness are the primary determinants of attachment and that children who maintained proximity to an attachment figure were more likely to receive comfort and protection and, therefore, more likely to survive adulthood. Those crucial moments of development affect our emotional capabilities and set the ball rolling on the attachment styles we develop.

We have all heard of the clingy girlfriend or the emotionally unavailable husband. Even chick flicks portray some women as coming on way too strongly and men who are happy to do the bare minimum. Sometimes we even find ourselves in the same situations over and over, simply repeating the narrative, and merely changing the characters.

Of course, life brings changes, and people grow apart and move on. Still, if you find yourself in a cycle of unhealthy and emotionally challenging behaviours, it is probably worth digging deep and exploring how you 'attach' to people in relationships. There are four adult attachment styles – anxious, avoidant, disorganised or fearful avoidance and secure attachment.

The attachment profile an individual develops depends on how well they receive comfort and support from their caregivers during infancy. Adults with an anxious attachment style often view their partners as their 'better half,' and the thought of living without their partner (or being alone generally) causes high anxiety levels. Studies show that people with this type of attachment typically have a negative self-image while having a positive view of others. They seek the approval of others, and support, and responsiveness from their partner.

The avoidant type would often perceive themselves as 'lone wolves.' However, they are strong, independent, and self-sufficient, not necessarily in terms of physical contact but rather on an emotional level.

Numerous research has found that these people have high self-esteem and a positive view of themselves. However, they also tend to believe they don't have to be in a relationship to feel complete. As a result, adults with this attachment style avoid emotional closeness and tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion-dense situation.

As the name suggests, the fear avoidant type tends to be led by fear and has trouble trusting and depending on people. They often have problems regulating their emotions and avoid strong emotional attachments due to their fear of getting hurt.

Out of the four, secure attachment seems to have the most positive connotations as it allows a person to comfortably and openly express their emotions. They maintain a reciprocal approach to emotions and find ways to develop healthy communication habits even when faced with conflict. These relationships are based on honesty, tolerance, and emotional closeness. What's unique about people with secure attachment is that they don't fear being on their own but are open to forming strong relationships and bonds.

There isn't a one-size-fit-all profile, and it's common to find these styles overlapping or changing depending on the situation or where you are on your journey. We all have emotional baggage, and chances are very few of us fall into the secure attachment category. However, if you fall solely into an insecure attachment profile, it can be the source of anxiety, depression and deep unhappiness. You might constantly rely on others for approval and easily lose your sense of self. If this is the case, you should seek professional help or find ways to identify triggers through self-discovery and positive interactions.

The harsh truth is attachment plays an essential role in human connection, and what you learn as a child can shape how you develop friendships and romantic partners. So, following one expert's advice, it is important to ask yourself, do I offer emotional support as well as receive it? For some of us, this might be the only way to determine whether our attachments are healthy and we're emotionally connecting in the right way.