Lord of the earrings

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY

BC PIRES

IN A WEEK in which the political fates are serving up a pair of slow, waist-high balls outside off-stump, I’m opting not to flash my bat at either, “should in case” I find myself being caught out.

Yes, it really does look like Boris Johnson is finally getting his long overdue comeuppance – but he is the Michael Myers of politics, the grown-up version of the child murderer in the Halloween movies: declaring Johnson’s political career is over is like watching Halloween II and being surprised that Michael Myers gets up again after being killed – didn’t you firetrucking see him sit up behind that couch in Halloween I?

Donald J for Jacka-- “Fat Nixon” Trump also looks like he is finally going to get what he deserves – the rest of his useless life in a very rough prison with a cellmate named Bubba – but he bounces more than BoJo the Clown.

Given the un-flushable nature of the turds offering themselves up in this week’s political toilet, then, I’m opting to play it safe and play a word game my friend Jonno and I used to enjoy while sipping a few (too many) ales. (I thought we’d stolen the idea from Salman Rushdie, Martin Amis and Christopher Hitchens but, scouring the indexes of various memoirs and non-fiction books of theirs on my shelves, I can’t find any reference to it at all.)

The idea, which I now think was purely Jonno’s, was to come up with titles of books that almost got published, and might have, if only the authors had improved or refined their title just a little. Suppose, said Jonno, eyes narrowing over his Old Speckled Hen, VS Naipaul had named his
magnum opus A Studio Flat for Mr Biswas? No publisher would have touched it!

So here, then, for my distraction (so that I don’t allow myself to get my hopes up over those two bad-hair idiots) and hopefully for your entertainment, are some twisted titles, possibly inspired by Salman Rushdie & Literary Co, but definitely proceeding from the beer-oppressed imaginations of Jonno and me.

Books that almost got published

Average Expectations. The Catcher in the Scotch. The Adventures of Huckleberry Swede. The Mystic Massager Man. Brave Secondhand World. A Game of Throws. Shame and Prejudice. The Girl with the Dragon T-Shirt. William Shakespeare’s The Tragedy of Baconlet. To Tease a Mockingbird. Lord of the Cockroaches. The Picture of Dorian Purple. The Mediocre Gatsby. The Dragon Could Wine. Les Cheerfuls. Spleen of Darkness. Crime and Recidivism. Of Mice and Women. A Really Long History of Seven Killings. For Whom the Bell-bottoms. A Tale of Two Suburbs. Abattoir-Five. A Clockwork Watermelon. Donkey Ote. One Hundred Minutes of Solitude. Moby Penis. The Divine Tragedy. To the Dark House. The Sound and the Curry. The Grapefruits of Wrath. Albert Camus’ The Weirdo. The Old Man and the MC. Midmorning’s Children. Things Stick Together. Modesty Fair. Quite Some Distance from the Volcano. Their Eyes Were Watching the Clock.

Songs that almost got recorded

(I Can’t Get No) Contentment. Rapper’s Displeasure. I Will Always Loathe You. Mack the Spoon. Samba Beef Pa Ti. Hey Dude. Smells Like Geriatric Spirit. Every Breath You Inhale. Jean and Kate. What’s Going Off? Johnny B Well Behaved. Elevator to Heaven. Straight Outta Beverly Hills. Another One Sweeps Up the Dust. Nothing Compares 2 3D. Rally Round Trinidad and Tobago. Tie a Yellow Ribbon ’Round the Old Water Tank. Fight the Reaper. Don’t Fear the Power. Jeanie Bill. I Heard It through the Telephone. The Real Slim Pickings. Nuthin’ But a Q’ Thang. Back in Grey.

Movies that almost got made

The Odd Father Parts I and II. Glen Gump. Security Guards of the Galaxy. Quietly Cud-chewing Bull. Casanegro. An Indeterminate Number of Angry Men. Bring Me the Car Keys of Alfredo Garcia. The Silence of the Parrots. It’s a Meaningless Life. Queen Kong. Illegal Immigrant Kane. Apocalypse Soon. To Live and Prosper in LA. Happy He Had Oral Sex with Her (starring Russell Crowe). Non-binary Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The Good, the Bad and the Ordinary. Dances with Swans. A Bad Dream on Elm Street. The Deer Stalker. Pulp Non-fiction. Rental Car Driver. Die Easy. Rear Louvres. Reservoir Puppies. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Meaning.

And, of course, Schindler’s Listicle.

BC Pires is the author of 1,000 Words of Ineptitude. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com