Roe verses weighed (Clarence’s secret plan)

BC Pires -
BC Pires -



LAST WEEK, the Christian Taliban (aka “the US Supreme Court”) overruled Roe v Wade, the most important court decision ever given anywhere because it started the world debate over the right of women to terminate or carry to term their own firetrucking pregnancies.

The strongest weapon in a united world war against poverty is women keeping their reproductive rights. Wherever and whenever women are so empowered, poverty begins to recede at once.

But it is in the interest of the very rich to keep women very poor, because more babies mean more people who will grow up to become either Amazon Prime customers or Amazon warehouse toilet cleaners.

And the world’s ultra-rich have a powerful new ally in an American Supreme Court comprising six-to-three mediocre jurists but religious zealots who prefer to take away than to preserve constitutional rights. They don’t give a flying firetruck that 70 per cent of Americans support termination of pregnancy in the first trimester.

All they care about is what they see as their duty to God. What Amy Lamey Barmy (or whatever) has done is no different, in its motivation, from the Taliban shooting Malala Yousafzai in the head. The repeal of Roe v Wade has nothing to do with law and everything to do with assuring Amy Barmy Crazy’s place at the right hand of what she believes is God the Father in Heaven.

And, lest I be charged with sexism (though, in the near future, it will not be sexist to recognise female inferiority), Amy Gamey Insaney is not the craziest, most self-interested US Supreme Court justice/Opus Dei Jihadi, no siree, Uncle Tom, that title belongs to Clarence Thomas, whom I think of as the Republican White House Negro.

And now I’ll let you into a little secret that was revealed to me by either God or the Devil (for they look the same to me): Clarence Thomas was the mastermind of the repeal of Roe, not Samuel “God’s Vengeful Angel” Alito.

We know that Thomas wrote an individual judgment making it clear that the Christian Isis would soon be examining (and presumably repealing) other imaginary constitutional rights, like birth control (Griswold v Connecticut), same-gender sex acts (Lawrence v Texas) and marriage equality (Obergefell v Hodges).

To fully appreciate the hilarity of my truth revealed (second-hand, from either Jesus or Lucifer), you have to think like a true believer, not one of those cafe Catholics who look at doctrine like a menu, and pick the items they like. A real Catholic has to take the holy water
and the Holy Communion, no matter how severe a mind-firetruck it is to swallow transubstantiation whole.

So Thomas cannot allow himself to consider anything other than what the church prescribes. He cannot begin to consider adultery as an option because he cannot conceive of sex in anything but the missionary position. Were they to come to mind, Thomas would think, “Cunnilingus, my foot. Fellatio, my eye. Anal, my…” (
that’s enough body parts! Editor).

Thomas, clearly, would love to be rid of his crazy wife. She’s not just a coup-plotting treason conspiracist, but one stupid enough to conspire with the biggest idiot ever to pass a bar exam anywhere.

But good Catholic boy Thomas cannot bring himself to risk eternal hellfire by divorcing her, millstone around his neck though she may be, certifiably insane as she definitely is.

But what if the Supreme Court repealed Loving v Virginia, the US Supreme Court case recognising a constitutional right to interracial marriage?

Justice Clarence Thomas is in the unique position of being able to declare husband Clarence Thomas’s interracial marriage unconstitutional.

And, as with the repeal of reproductive rights, Thomas and the rest of the Christian Taliban will have no one to answer to but God himself. And they’re already sure He thinks just like them. So it’s Heaven for all the godly ones.

And yet another strong argument, like all the musicians and movie stars being there already, for the rest of us human beings going straight to firetrucking hell.

BC Pires is beating a bottle-and-spoon rhythm for all eternity and it sounding plenty better than all them harps. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at


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