This broken world

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This friend of mine, she likes to make memes. Lions and other big cats are a running theme. Her memes let her talk about her roar and baring her fangs. These are her motivational ones – the ones she uses when she doesn’t want to get out of bed, or needs to power through her workout, her romantic life bites her. You know, the things we all need a pep talk for.

Of all the memes my absolute favourite is the one that says: “Sometimes when I catch myself getting emotional about dumb s--t, I legit look at myself in the mirror and be like, ‘What did we agree on last week, Punk?’”

I love this because it’s so her. She has always roared. I love that adulting didn’t take that from her. I love it because this is something most of us should say to ourselves – because, you know, as humans, we hit the repeat-mistake button so often – but we don’t. We’re soft. We go easy on ourselves.

I love that becoming a paraplegic in her 30s didn’t take away her roar.

You’re surprised she does ordinary things like exercise and have romantic problems. You’re surprised she makes the kind of memes she does, and yes, that is how she talks. She’s not meek and sickly and downtrodden. Does that surprise you more or less than the fact that whether she wants to get out of bed or not, she does, and she does it on her own?

Do you know why you’re surprised? It’s because no matter what she can do, or what she says, she’s invisible. Because people with physical disabilities are invisible. Until they’re not.

When they are visible, it’s a fishbowl kind of visibility. Under scrutiny. And object of curiosity. Judged harshly if they are angry about the condition they are in; judged harshly if they feel beaten by the system and ask for help.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in the US says: “Everyone reacts differently to stressful situations. How you respond to stressful situations, such as the covid19 pandemic, can depend on your background, your support systems (eg family or friends), your financial situation, your health and emotional background, the community you live in…”

It’s not like this is a road-to-Damascus moment. I thought it was interesting that it was in a piece about people with physical disabilities. Specifically, it was about their mental health. The CDC was talking about things that might be stressful and the incredible thing is that they thought “people” who might experience “stress” could be ones in wheelchairs or blind or who live with a difference they can’t hide from the world.

What? Their only problem is not the inability to walk? Or reach high shelves? Or reach any shelves?

My friend says: “If you try to ‘be normal’ the world says, ‘You can't do that, you're a Cripple’ (yes, she said capital-C-cripple). When you cry out for help or a little consideration, the script gets flipped and it’s “we are all struggling, y’all always such a burden wanting handouts.”

After all these years it’s still hard to hear her say that. Because she is, by her own admission, a rolling goddess.

But she is allowed to be both. Both strong and in need of support. Don’t we all? Don’t we need good company and coffee? Don’t we need someone to pick up the phone when the roof is falling in – either literally or figuratively?

She sent me a TikTok thing with a lady who asked: “Do you feel badly about your disability or about how people treat you because of it?”

She wanted others in her community (yes, Virginia, they are a community) not to accept the unkind gaze of others as their burden, but to know how they responded to others and focus on that. Roar.

How dramatic are the differences between mental health sufferers and the physically disabled? TikTok lady was talking about all of us. Just some people must go to some kind of therapy and some people do not.

Something is going on with food support cards; for some, that means discontinued. A woman in a wheelchair who needs one called to find out what was going on. The person who finally answered the phone told her she needed to go to an office in Port of Spain.

She laughed. I laughed. Because we have so much public transport for the wheelchair-bound. Because even if the building has a ramp, the sidewalk is criminal to ankles, let alone wheels.

Because it is uncivilised to care so little.

Remember to talk to your doctor or therapist if you want to know more about what you read here. In many cases, there’s no single solution or diagnosis to a mental health concern. Many people suffer from more than one condition.

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