Online dating during the teen years

Dr Asha Pemberton

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

Although the young people have been closely attached to the online world for several years, the pandemic has confirmed just how much socialisation occurs online for teens; and how much it affects their relationships and dating lives. Although in our culture, teens do not generally use specific dating apps, their use of messaging and social media is closely linked to communication with friends and opportunities to connect in more intimate ways. Experts suggest that parents help their teens navigate dating by teaching them about safety, boundaries, and privacy in this digital world.

Start conversations early

Parents should start foundational conversations about what healthy relationships mean as early as possible. Essentially, when your child has access to their own device they need to be advised. While these conversations do not have to focus on relationships and dating specifically, older children and pre-teens need to be aware that the content of their conversations, sharing of images and communicating with strangers can have real life impact on their future lives and safety. In addition, parents need to be aware that even in childhood there is pressure in peer groups to ‘date’ and have special relationships, even if young people themselves do not feel ready. The most effective antidote to this is a strong and secure self-esteem, rooted in parent-child connectedness and values. Once a strong foundation is created, tweens know they can trust and have open communication with parents, who in turn can provide their wisdom and guidance.

Be practical and realistic

Despite the discomfort of this topic, parents must be aware that more and more young people meet friends online, communicate regularly but may never meet them in person. Similarly, in this generation, young people will connect with others online and be tempted to find ways to meet them in person. The safety implications of these are many. While there are some positive aspects to online communication and connection, in an era where global connectivity is now the norm, parents still play a valuable role in supervision and guidance. When extreme conflict arises due to online activity, young people are more tempted to hide and engage in unsafe behaviours in secrecy. They create multiple accounts on social media to hide from parents, or actively delete their activities and browsing histories. Parents are advised to open the doors of discussion as opposed to alienating their adolescent children. Topics including online grooming, disclosure of financial information or exposure to all forms of violence need to be addressed head on and with the understanding that young people will connect to others in the online space. Many young people even feel more comfortable communicating online at the beginning of friendships, which although difficult to understand for parents, must be accepted as the current culture of their world.

Relationships and personal safety

For older adolescents and young adults, parents continue to play a vital role in teaching young people about the red flags of potentially violent, emotionally abusive and manipulative relationships. Although as they grow, young people may seem less inclined to engage their parents in discussions, parents in turn need to continue to embrace their supportive role. If young people become isolated, overly secretive, or completed obsessed with an online friend or partner, these can be signs of unhealthy relationships. Even in the online space, young people can be victim to emotional mistreatment, sexual violence and controlling jealous behaviours. Similarly to in-person dating, young people will make mistakes, hopefully learn from them and arise as more resilient young adults. Central to this, however, is the support, non-judgement and wisdom of parents. Overall, although online relationships are intimidating and frankly frightening for parents to conceive of, it must be accepted that this domain is part of the lives of young people. Through awareness, education and communication, parents are best able to positively parent young people to supportive online and eventual in person future relationships.