What my autistic child has taught me

DR RADICA MAHASE

“The most important lessons I have learnt in my life, I have learnt from my autistic child! That might sound like an exaggeration but trust me, you think you’re one kind of person but then when you have a child with special needs, you really learn about yourself. It’s only then that you really grow.

"My son is now ten years old. He was diagnosed when he was four, and up until that point, I thought I had everything under control. I had a clear path that I wanted my life to go – get my degree, get a job, marry and just have a happy life, maybe even travel a bit, have kids, travel with the kids. I had my life planned out!

"Then my son Jacob came along and everything changed. Life became more complicated than I thought it could be.

"I knew about autism but I never really thought much about it – it didn’t really mean anything to me. Jacob’s older sisters were both high achievers. They met all their milestones early – they were chattering non-stop by the time they were two, they were in pre-school by age three, by the time I had Jacob they were always placing top of their classes in primary school.

"So autism and all those other learning disabilities and so on were not things that I bothered with because they didn’t have a direct impact on us.

"Jacob came along and made me question the type of person I was, I am. As a little boy, he was always in a world of his own. He didn’t communicate verbally, still doesn’t, actually, and he was always so contented being by himself.

"Looking at him in his own little world made me question my perspective on the world. Why did I need to have these large family limes? Why do I need so many people around all the time to make me feel good about myself, when my young son was so contented being by himself?

"More importantly, why did I need people around me when they made no effort to understand or accept my son?

"Jacob made me realise that I don’t need too many friends in this world, I just need a few genuine ones, and the best measure to use to determine who should stay and who should go was the way in which they saw him. Over the past few years, I started cutting down my circle – the ones who criticised him, the ones who insisted that 'as he gets older, he will get better'; even the relatives who kept saying they were 'so sorry that you have a child like that' were weeded out. Life became slightly more peaceful then!

"My son made me realise that I was a judgmental person, I was one of those people who would look at others and think, 'Gosh, she looking so sour,' without really thinking much about it; those superficial comments that we Trinis make and think they don’t mean anything. With Jacob, I realised that the way we look at people and dismiss them, the way we judge people, it’s just wrong. We don’t know the battles everyone is fighting. I really understand now that someone might put on the biggest smile on her face while having one of the roughest days ever.

"I understand this now, because that’s me – I will deal my son’s massive meltdown and five minutes later I have a big smile on my face when I enter the supermarket or pharmacy or somewhere. I finally understand that we just don’t know what people are going through, so we need to stop judging people.

"My autistic son has taught me how to be strong. He has taught me that I can survive in a world where people don’t understand me or empathise with me and I will be okay. Because of him I have grown into this person who is capable of dealing with problems as they come up. I don’t care about what people think and say. I have learnt to mind my business and live my life on my own terms because ultimately, I have to account for myself. I have learnt to be direct and straightforward with people – mainly because I just don’t have time to beat around the bush and play games.

"I am grateful for my son for all the lessons that I have learnt over the years and for the person that I have grown into. Even on the rough days, when I feel exhausted and I lose my patience, I see the difference in how I handle myself, I see how much I have grown, and that is only because he is a part of my life.

"We focus so much on what we can teach our children but when you have a special-needs child, they teach you the biggest and most important lessons of your life.”

Dr Radica Mahase is the founder/director of Support Autism T&T