WHEN the world gets too heavy, like when another American who should have free mental healthcare murders children in a primary school, I try to cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the 70s & 80s American National Lampoon satirical magazine. As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.
Damned Manchester City! Two-nil down with only 14 minutes to play, and us 3-1 up and on fire! They snatched the dream of the first-ever quadruple out of our hands, just as we were getting ready to lift the Premiership trophy! On the plus side, though, it will make it much easier to come to terms with the upcoming cut-arse from Real Madrid over the weekend.
Liverpool Fans Kopping Out
Just the Double Then
Thank You, Chelsea
Did you ever having really bad ideas after you drinks bottles or two of vodka but convince yourself was really good idea and you must do it at once?
Vladimir Still Putting On Show of Strengths
Trapped in Bad Dreams and Can’t Wakes Up
I am certain the police investigations will show there was nothing illegal in my actions because I have already paid off the police doing the investigating.
Could Be Anyone
In Any Political Party, Anytime, Anywhere
But Is Trinidad
Anyone complaining about our new hotel not being appropriately designed for Trinidad and Tobago should remember we have a rooftop pool. When we have no water, it will be easy to siphon water from the pool direct to guests’ toilets in their rooms. And we can rely on gravity when we have no electricity. If that isn’t designing for TT, nothing is!
A Spin Surgeon
Retooling Discomforting Complaints
One Good Stroke Makes a Minus into a Plus
This morning I was a social outcast filled with self-loathing and terrified of everyone and everything. At lunchtime, I invented my own conspiracy theory by combining the vilest ones I found on the Dark Net and packing it with local versions of a cabal of paedophiles (although I don’t know what the word “cabal” means). I put it on social media at midday and, by one o’ clock, after Trinis unquestioningly forwarded it over-and-over, look, I am a senior reporter for a national news centre that’s really a private Facebook group. Just wait until I give Trinidadians the scoop about what it is trans-bara-men have been putting in doubles!
In the Hope of Feeling Better About Myself
Forget all my hype about saving humanity and protecting freedom of speech. Give me enough time and I’ll prove I’m just another mega-rich a-hole.
Richer Than Anyone
Except in Compassion
The reason we need every white child to be born, and not unborn, in America is because we need them to grow up and buy guns. We need that NRA money.
It’s another lame-stream media lie to say the candidate I endorsed lost the primary election in Georgia on Tuesday. He won. But the cheating Democrat Communists just found 620,633 more votes for Kemp than Perdue. So unfair! But anyone know how they did it?
Donald Still J for Jackass Trump
But Never to Black
The electronic Travel Pass for entry into Trinidad and Tobago is being scrapped from 1 June. This means that we will soon only be able to harass incoming passengers in an old school, hard copy paper forms way. But don’t fool yourself and think we still can’t go digital if we feel bad-mind enough.
Immigration and Customs Officers
You really think I give a flying firetruck if you eat shrimp or pork? Or if you give ten per cent of your income or nothing at all to preachers? Or who the firetruck you marry? What am I, some kind of almighty control freak?
Never Going to Another Anger Management Class
Me Bless Me
The next letter will be from one of the Beatles.
Prophecies Done Cheap
Anyone seen Keef and Woody? I’ve been keeping a closer eye on them since we lost poor Charlie!
Gather No Moss
Dammit! I was so close!
You Gets What You Pays For
You know what? Next time a chimpanzee keels over mysteriously, we’re going to say it was killed by human pox! You’ll aee how it feels!
BC Pires is dodging reality. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com