The meaning of being lonely

“I think, therefore I am.”

“You are what you eat.”

What happens if we combine those two observations? Is it possible that “you are what you think”?

If what you are thinking is that you are lonely, then yes, you are indeed what you think.

To paraphrase a questionnaire designed by Duke University’s Mary Elizabeth Hughes: If you feel isolated, left out, or lacking in companionship, you’re probably lonely.

To be alone – solitude – is simply to be without company, often by choice. To feel alone – loneliness – is something altogether different.

Philosopher-kings of the early 2000s pop charts, the Backstreet Boys, once asked no one in particular to “show me the meaning of being lonely.” Clearly, they had not met Dr John Cacioppo when they made that request. Dr Cacioppo’s life’s work was the study of loneliness.

As he explains: “Social isolation is the objective physical separation from other people (living alone), while loneliness is the subjective distressed feeling of being alone or separated. It’s possible to feel lonely while among other people, and you can be alone yet not feel lonely.”

No truer words, John, no truer words. Anyone who has ever found themselves on the fringes of a party knows that pain. They know it as surely as they are standing there wondering if it is better or worse not to be invited at all.

The neurobiology of loneliness, as well as the more general hows and whys of loneliness, have produced quite a decent-sized mountain of research. It’s actually a little intimidating. If you want to understand how loneliness affects us, there are studies en grappe.

There are studies upon studies about the medical dangers; about our existence as social creatures in need of social bonds; of our evolution being dependent on co-operation and inclusivity.

The medical studies tell us that loneliness is terrible for the body. It’s been linked to compromised immunity, issues with blood pressure and the heart, obesity, and Alzheimer’s disease. It can flat-out kill you.

Dr Cacioppo invented loneliness. That’s not exactly true – in the sense that it’s patently false – but his work is so prolifically cited you might be inclined to think he did. No matter what field you’re working in, if you’re going to have to make some reference to loneliness, there he is.

Loneliness changes the way you think. Dr Cacioppo really got into what he described as lonely brains and non-lonely brains.

Perhaps the greatest cruelty of loneliness is its self-perpetuating nature. The lonely brain is pre-disposed to have negative interpretations of neutral behaviour.

So there is someone minding his own business, maybe looking at a bird. You, a lonely person, conveniently standing near the bird, think he is looking at you, judging you, maybe dismissing your existence as unimportant.

You see how it works: you’re lonely and standing by yourself. You size up an individual and decide he is rejecting you. You retreat further into yourself. You believe the world is just as you thought – not for you.

So loneliness sticks, aided and abetted by a brain seemingly determined to see the worst in others. It is a stark, grim, seemingly inescapable place.

I often think of it as a pain: sharp and cold. The kind of pain you fear you will not recover from. And if you’re wired to think that everything and everyone is hostile to you, how can you get out? Here is where you’ll find another mountain of information. There’s no end to the books and articles on how to be less lonely.

But I found something else. Dr Stephanie Cacioppo, widow of John (apart from being an assistant professor of psychiatry and a behavioural neuroscientist) once said the thing I’ve been waiting my whole life to hear: “Treating loneliness is our collective responsibility.”

We have a responsibility of care for the elderly, the young, the vulnerable, people we love and people we don’t even know. In other words, and coming back around to why we evolved in groups, we need to treat loneliness together.

So many mental-health problems list loneliness – as well as social isolation – the subjective and the objective, as part of their make-up. And here the self-perpetuation becomes even more monstrous, because many (if not all) of the things the lonely brain believes to be true, the person with a mental health problem also believes, or has experienced.

It’s easy to think your loneliness is no one’s problem but yours.

But it doesn’t have to be. Talk to someone.

Remember to talk to your doctor or therapist if you want to know more about what you read here. In many cases, there’s no single solution or diagnosis to a mental health concern. Many people suffer from more than one condition.