Truth pill, Ugli

BC Pires -
BC Pires -



SUPPOSE, before the media conference announcing Britain’s plan to send UK asylum-seekers to Rwanda on a one-way ticket, Rwandan Foreign Minister Vincent Biruta and Bojo the Clown’s Vote Leave Party Hearty in Lockdown Government, Priti Patel, were given a truth pill?

This is what he and the woman who, having been exposed to her politics, I think of as Ugli Patel might have said. The (edited) questions below were asked by reporters.

Minister Biruta, has Rwanda’s previous experience informed the decision to house refugees here?

Rwanda is already hosting more than 130,000 refugees from countries like Burundi so we have vast and invaluable practical experience in clearing cheques drawn on foreign accounts. We accept people the British consider disposable and we actually throw them away here in Rwanda, like the old cash-deposit return glass bottles, except new human refugees are now worth less than old bottles.

The few liberal British newspapers left shouldn’t complain, but look on it as reparations.

Madam Secretary, what factors made you decide Rwanda would be your partner?

Rwanda has a history of resettlement and a respect for the rule of law, once you don’t count all that Hutu/Tutsi stuff. We don’t want Rwanda askin’ us why there are so many food banks in Britain and we won’t ask Rwanda if they mean to starve anyone to death. In an ideal world, or at least mine, we’d just overturn the migrant boats in the English Channel and save millions of pounds but the British public isn’t ready for that yet. They need a few more years of Brexit-deprivation before we can start usin’ migrant dinghies for target practice.

And, if we get away with givin’ British asylum to Syrians in Rwanda, we feel good about eventually being able to kill the problem at source. I mean solve the problem. A little truth pill burp there.

In Australia’s offshore immigrant processing, people took their own lives. Are you passing the buck of the safety to Rwanda?

You used the expression “passin' the buck” but we are passin’ much more than a buck! We’re givin’ millions of pounds of hush money!

Rwanda is getting more today than Rwanda has made in its whole history because this whole country is filled with black people, who I know are lazy. Rwanda is better off because all the coloureds always demand diversity and, look, they have some now. And the one good thing about Arabs is that they are a little bit less lazy than blacks.

We believe in investin’ in Rwanda. Naysayers have been sittin’ on their hands watchin’ people die but we believe that, when they die so far away from Britain, we won’t see them. Rwanda has signed on to international conventions respecting human rights, which means that, when they mistreat the people we’ve dumped on them, UN agencies will harass Rwanda, not Britain.

Honourable Minister, do you have the infrastructure to process the backlog of asylum claims?

We are getting £120 million! And bananas in Rwanda cost two British pence each. Even if we give every death camp inhabitant three bananas a day, that is not even ten pee! And of course we will have no bananas for Arabs.

All British money will go on flashy consumer durables for the Rwandan ruling sector. BMW SUVs will be upgraded to Porsches! What we do with our blood money is our business! Eh!

Madam Secretary, how many people will be relocated to Rwanda?

I’m not goin’ to get into details because this is all a sham but the answer is, “All of them!” We are putting the human traffickers in the English Channel out of business by nationalising the industry and doing it ourselves, just trafficking them to Rwanda instead. If these bothersome Arabs end up as forced labour on banana plantations or in mines, well, serve them bloody well right for leaving their own countries! The more miserable their fate, the greater the deterrent to future migrants.

And if this works, we’ll pay the Rwandans to take our homeless, too!

Thanks for comin’ everyone but I have to go to church now. Byeee!

BC Pires refuses to get into a pirogue in case somebody take him for a Vene


"Truth pill, Ugli"

More in this section