Ukraine for dummies

BC Pires -
BC Pires -



CONSPIRACY theories are like cocaine. Once you snort your first line and it goes to your head, you will suck up unhesitatingly every other line anyone puts on a mirror in front of you.

They have the same effect, too. Conspiracy theory and crack cocaine will both blow your mind, first in one very happy way and then in another very sad one. You go from pragmatist to paranoid in one effortless glide along obviously faked Facebook video links that lead to a pledge to fight to the death against “the Deep State,” an entity so powerful and terrifying it doesn’t have to be defined.

And, yes, you do need an especially shallow mind to accommodate “the Deep State.”

The war crime in Ukraine should have shaken some sense into the Brexit and Trump supporters who became covid19-deniers, then anti-vaxxers and, finally, Q-A-Nonsense crackpots, but all it shook out was the last vestiges of their common sense. Neither Brexit nor Trump have brought any benefit to the people who worked hardest and sacrificed most to make them happen – but it is precisely these people who will continue flogging their respective dead horses.

To spare myself the mental harassment, I’ve unfriended the “intellectuals” and “researchers” who think vaccines are more dangerous than the diseases they prevent and the Blacks for Trump and the Minimum Wage-Earners for Brexit and now I’ve done the same to the Vodka Hitler apologists who rail against – wait for it – American aggression and the greed of the American military-industrial complex while writing reams explaining why a robbing hood like Short Man Stalin is really Robin Hood, which the rest of us would see, if we hadn’t sold out to Uncle Scamp.

Today, I’m going to write an entirely fake account by “a Ukrainian” that “proves” that Short Stalin is the victim and Ukraine is the aggressor in the current atrocities. Somewhere down the line, some dunce-who-feel-he-smart may well post this on Facebook to explain his support of Putin-a-bombing-on-an-orphanage.

Vy I Am Defending Mother Russky Against Anti-Semitic Volodymyr Zelensky Illegals Bombings Invasion of Russky Republic of Dontask, I Don’t Lie.

By A BC Ukrainian

Comrades. I am typical Russky man, very macho, very white, excessive heterosexual sexualism, large penisky, small IQsky, and I call to arms all Russky men to fight against Ukranian aggressky and illegalstic war against poor pipples of Russky. This illegalistical war against Russky is led by homosexual comedians, Volodmyr Zeal-for-Penissky, who cannot even spells own first name of Vladimir correctsky. This prove Ukraine is not country! Is Western Russky! No! Nothings West is good, only East! This comedians feministical man is anti-Semite, he wants kill all Jews because he is leader of Ukraine Nazis Partysky. I have seen penis of this faggotsky and is not circumscribe. He is hater of Jew and will kill Jew and put them in ovens like in very excellent Russky adventure filmicsky and Kremlin White Paper on Race Relations, Schindler’s List. Cannot spells own name Volodymyr pose as Jew but penis still has hat and he pose as president but Ukraine not even country, just Near East Russia, just another CIA plot, like invasion Kuwaitsky and Pussy Riot, complex Protocolisky of Zionisky to install anti-Semite as president lead Nazis of Fake-Kraine in illeagalsitically war against Mother Russky.

I pledge I help President-for-Life Vladimir Putting-Cash-in-Banks repels this foreign invasion. Fake-Kraine Near East Russky is usings American weapons for bombings maternitysky hospital in Moscow, killings helpless childrens, and will soon bomb great city of VladinGrad to rubbleski and then will use chemicalsky weapons. Wicked evil American CIA agents pretending to be Ukrainians have invaded such long-established parts of Russky as Kiev to misspells names of city as Kyiv! American actors from Hollywoodsky, speakings American language, boardings trains pretendings to be refugee from war that is
not happening, only military actions to safeguard Greater Russia like Kyiv and Mariupol from Nazi take over by anti-Semite joker comedians president! Western liberal media refuse broadcast Russky Today, only channels tells truths to patriots in West of the UIB-FC, the Useful Idiots Brigade, Fifth Column. Take up arms, Comrades! We must fight to defend Russky by bombingsky the crapsky out of Ukraine and murdering all citizens. Is only way to save them from Nazi president. Glory to God and Putin, if having any difference between themsky.

BC Pires knows it’s only a matter of time before Trini dunces declare Liverpool FC a Russian spy squad. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at


"Ukraine for dummies"

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