Do you seer-man what I seer-man?

BC Pires -
BC Pires -



TO WRITE a startlingly original newspaper column, you’ve got to copy others unashamedly, and, in 1999, I stole a great idea from the Miami Herald’s Robert Steinback, who, every January, wrote a column making predictions for the coming year and assessing the accuracy of his predictions from the year before.

Since 2011, I have stunned readers with the accuracy of the previous year’s first prediction, as you will now see:

* It will be revealed that, while the UK was under such severe covid19 lockdown that people missed their own parents’ funerals, Boris Johnson was throwing parties in No 10 Downing Street. Really impressive, until I reveal myself that I just added it to the top of last year’s prediction list this morning.

* Trump will rename the Grand Old Party the Brand New Nazi Party to try to stay relevant/stay out of prison, with Q-A-Nonsense conspiracy theory their manifesto. The letters of the name haven’t been changed yet but I was right about the spirit.

* A secret recording involving Ivanka Trump will end whatever is left of Fat Hitler's public life in even more ignominy. Not right. But give it another year.

* Things will not return to “normal” in 2021. Right, though hardly worthy of the appellation “prediction.”

* China will do a Hong Kong version of Tiananmen Square. Right prediction, wrong place and dictator: Putin began an all-Ukraine version of his earlier Crimea.

* People who voted for Brexit will complain more bitterly about it than Remainers. So true, Lord “Get Brexit Done” Frost was forced to resign in anger over the Leave agreement he himself made and now sits in the Lords fuming over his own deal.

* India will emerge from covid19 economically stronger. Probably true, if only because any decrease in poverty in India is so difficult to notice.

* West Indies cricket will take the form of Chris Gayle, Kieron Pollard and a Bravo on world T20 circuits. Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

* TT’s borders will open on Carnival Thursday and close on Ash Wednesday, so 300 of the PM’s daughters' closest friends can have J’Ouvert in Westmoorings, each passenger/partygoer bringing ruling-sector pets. Right prediction, wrong place: this came true, down to the pets on planes, in Afghanistan.

* There will be a Virtual Road March competition; Machel will win it. Wrong on both counts, unless you count Spotify.

* Jeff Bozo will pay some tax; grudgingly. Wrong. He preferred to take Cap’n Kirk into space free than pay a cent to the Inland Revenue; Jeff Bozo only recognises an Inland Reven-ME.

And here are my predictions for this year:

* Things will not return to “normal” this year, either.

* Iran will develop a nuclear bomb and will try to attack Israel but one brave Israeli will prevent it.

* Mia Amor Mottley’s Barbados Labour Party will win next week’s general election in Barbados, making this prediction the equivalent of a lottery scratch card.

* TT's Prime Minister will be inspired to call a snap election of his own but will call it off when Progressive Democratic Patriots founder Watson Duke persuades Tobago party deputy leader Farley Augustine to move to Trinidad.

* The US Supreme Court will overrule Roe v Wade; Justice Amy Catholic Looney will boast that she prayed over her decision and Jesus told her what to do.

* The Taliban, posing as the Republican Party, will take the Senate back in the US mid-term elections.

* Wars over water will break out in Africa and Asia; wars over taking a knee will break out in the American South.

* Emmanuel Macron will win the French presidential election, Jair Brain-So-Narrow will lose the Brazilian one.

* Media Moron President for Life Kevin Badly-Posing-as-Clever will write a letter to the editor explaining that the earth is flat.

* The surviving Beatles, the drummer and the bass player, will join the surviving Rolling Stones, who need a drummer and bass player, but they will immediately disband in a quarrel over whether they should write blues covers or silly love songs.

* I won’t be able to think of a better way of ending this column than I have for the last 22 years. How could I firetrucking know? I amaze me!

* This column will end abrup

BC Pires is a not-for-prophet with Newsday. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at Happy Bir’day Fine


"Do you seer-man what I seer-man?"

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