Freaky BC Friday

BC Pires -
BC Pires -



WHEN THE world gets ex-specially heavy, as we say, I think I might lighten my load by pulling some kind of Freaky BC Friday and switching places with someone else. Here are this week’s contenders:

Kyle Rittenhouse, just freed of murder charges.


* Only 18, so another possible 70 years of life, instead of the 20 or 25 I might expect.

* Well-founded sense that I could get away with anything now.

* Hero for the Fox News/That Firetrucker Carlson/Joe Biden President Denier/Optional brain crowd.

* Very likely to become very rich.


* Only 18, another possible 70 years of life etc.

* Would have to look like that for all of it.

* Hero for the Fox News etc crowd.

* At some stage, would probably take own life upon realisation of what I did.

Travis McMichael, just convicted of murder charges.


* Could get a part as an extra if someone remade Deliverance.

* Would have a Confederate flag I could take from my truck to put on my prison cell wall.

* Orange prison jumpsuit would match complexion.

* High level of personal satisfaction with so many black men to hate in prison.

* Would soon be more in touch with my feminine side.

* Would enter history books for all time as first white American lynch-mob leader actually punished.


* Would have to look like that.

* Would be filled with hate.

* Plus everything listed as advantages above.

Donald J for Jacka-- Trump.


* Would be too stupid to have any inkling of how stupid I am.

* Would not be burdened by even the slightest of principles.

* Rich (at least for a while longer).

* Would be genuinely unique as the only person in the world that particular colour.

* All the Big Macs and supersized fries I could stuff down my gullet every night.

* Melania.


* Don Jnr, Eric, Ivanka, Jared.

* Nicknames of Fat Nixon, Fat Abu Bakr and Fat Lukashenko.

* Micropenis.

* Would have to look like that.

* Would always be the stupidest man in the room.

* Crap golfer.

* Morbid obesity.

* Elephantine a--.

* Worst combover in history. Everything listed as advantages above (except Melania).

* Probably no new season of Celebrity Apprentice.

Sacked Manchester United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer.


* Really cool, in a weird nerdish way, that my Scandinavian good looks clashed so well with my horrible Manchester English accent.

* Lasted way longer as United manager than anyone expected.

* Can finally stop faking being a top-flight football manager.


* Lingering TV image of me might be my slapping Slab Head McGuire’s hand in congratulation for getting himself sent off when we were “only” 2-1 down, before we went 4-1 down to Watford!

US Republican Senator Ted Cruz


* Too stupid to have any inkling of how stupid I am.

* Moustache.

* Could visit luxury Cancun resort in severe Texas winter (for two days).

* Too stupid to understand no one in the world likes me, not even my father or wife.


* Too cowardly to defend own father, wife or Constitution.

* Too cowardly to refuse to kiss the ring/a--e of the man who ran roughshod over all of the above.

Any West Indies cricketer


* Would get five days’ pay for two, maximum three days’ work in Test matches, 20-overs pay for maximum five overs’ work in T20 games.

* Would only have to field a bit, would hardly have to bowl and wouldn’t have to bat at all.

* Would be recognised immediately by every West Indian.


* Would be recognised immediately by every West Indian.

* Very difficult to come up with a positive statement for the post-match media conference.

* Would never be Man of the Match. Any match.

UK Prime Minister of Vote Leave Boris Johnson


* Would have a ridiculous haircut, rather than no hair at all.

* Would have lots of donor money and only have to give back tiny portion.

* Would have no sense of shame.

* Would have achieved highest office with absolute lowest standards of personal and professional conduct and no principles at all.

* Would get a lot of exercise flip-flopping on every decision.

* Would have one everlasting “Love of My Life.” Me.

* Would forever be the man who reunited the whole of Ireland.


* Would forever be the man who led Britain out of the European Union.

* Would one day realise that what I thought I was passing off as my shtick of being a floppy-haired, bumbling, incompetent buffoon was my true self.

BC Pires is a schizophrenic with Newsday. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at


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