Parenting pre-teens

DR ASHA PEMBERTON

teenhealth.tt@gmail.com

The tween years (or pre-teens) involve a series of rapid changes for children. Suddenly, they are no longer the playful but mischievously angelic beings who adored siblings and parents. The onset of puberty, increased desire for independence from parents and engagement with social media transform them into unrecognisable beings. Welcome to adolescence.

In the wider literature on adolescent development, the focus on the pre-teen years is only just evolving. This stage begins with puberty, often around age nine or ten and continues until age 12. Understanding the challenges and opportunities faced by parents of tweens impacts the outcomes of these early adolescents. There is a powerful connection between parent wellbeing and adolescent wellbeing and thriving.

The pre-teens years are an opportunity for parents to communicate expectations regarding personal safety and to establish healthy patterns of behaviour while they still have maximum influence. Adolescence naturally involves a process of exploration and separation from supervision, most of which occurs well into the teen years. As such, during the tween years parents should make an extra and consistent effort to build communication and connect with their children. Expect clothing styles, musical choices and interests that are different. Look forward to dramatic changes in mood and increased demonstrations of annoyance. And finally, parents should understand that tweens are more aware of their bodies, become self-conscious and sometimes even shy compared to their former selves. All of these changes demand new approaches to parenthood.

Healthy boundaries

Tweens quickly recognise their growth and find their voices. Parents universally experience more ‘back-chat’ and defiance from their pre-teens. While the process of exploration and testing and normal aspects of adolescent development, parents are required to consistently enforce the limits and boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Young people who experience reinforcement of their insolence simply learn what they can get away with. Parents cannot be afraid to discipline their tweens. Over time under-parents teens become exceedingly difficult to control and can lead to overtly disruptive or aggressive behaviour.

Holistic wellness

The habits and patterns that continue through adolescence are more likely to persist for a lifetime. Tweens should be encouraged to make healthy food choices, engage in daily physical activity, have a reasonable sleep schedule and limit their online screen time. While our current generation has had to grapple with a pandemic and significant disruptions to their social development, there is still scope for parents to safely ensure that they are physically active and safely communicate online with peers and not simply sit for hours playing games or mindlessly scrolling social media. Creativity in activities and whole family involvement improve the likelihood that tweens ‘buy in’, but when successful the investment yield dividends.

Authentic expression

Tweens will start to show their evolving personalities and interests. This is frequently a source of conflict, as invariably their tastes differ from those of their parents. Often, the very thought of their children evolving into expressive and sexual beings frightens parents who prefer to pretend that this stage of development is not occurring. This is an error. In reality, tweens should be completely and thoroughly educated about personal safety, sexual development and safety as well as online safety. Far too many young people end up in positions where they are groomed or sexually violated as a result of their sheer lack of knowledge. As difficult as it may be, parents must take time to factually explain sexuality, substance use and all other “tough topics” to ensure that their children are equipped with the knowledge to protect themselves and behave in their own best interests.

Creativity and productivity

The tween years also herald a major transition in our educational system. As such young people need to be actively taught the skills of time management, prioritisation and delayed gratification. As they start to take more responsibility for themselves, their belongings and their actions, they learn from both the successful and less successful actions. This is vital. All efforts should encourage them to explore their artistic abilities, sport, entrepreneurship and volunteerism. At the end of adolescences, the goal is to produce a fully functioning adult. These processes take time, guidance and patience; and with these and a strong base of faith tweens thrive to their fullest potential.