Free the Rittenhouse 1

BC Pires -
BC Pires -



HERE IS a story I could have written for the Onion, the American satirical website, or the comedy section of the British Private Eye.

However, in the post-truth age in which Fat Nixon/Fat American Lukashenko has landed us, it is all but impossible to discern what is satire, intended to make you cackle with laughter, and what is the literal truth that will make you want to cry with despair. Between my writing it and its appearing here, it’s not inconceivable that this actually might have happened.

Kyle Rittenhouse released before verdict to allow him to ‘protect property’ at his own riots

Kyle Rittenhouse, the 18-year-old on trial for murder after shooting dead two men in riots in Kenosha, Wisconsin in August 2020, has been given a special early release by the trial judge so that he has enough time to buy another AR-15-style rifle before the verdict in his trial has been given.

The trial judge said it would only be fair to let Rittenhouse arm himself and take part in the upcoming riots, because he was directly responsible for them and, crucially, had experience in protecting property and preventing looting in riots.

It would also, the judge said, give the young hero a closure he deserved, after facing the ordeal of a trumped-up trial for murder that was based on nothing more than the very responsible protection of property and prevention of looting.

The application for early special release was not made by Rittenhouse’s lawyers, but by Rittenhouse himself, who did not refer to any legal case law precedent but simply threw himself to the ground of the courtroom and pounded the floor, making very loud crying noises, except without any actual tears.

“Kylie wanna go to the riots!” he shouted repeatedly. “Kylie riots! Kylie must be there! Wanna shoot a machine-gun-nuh-nuh-nuh! Wanna protect prop-per-tee-eee-eee!”

The judge, who had previously ruled that the men Rittenhouse killed could not be called “victims” by the prosecution, but could be called “arsonists” and “looters” and “white trash, almost Negroes” by the defence, said it was the very least he could do, given that he couldn’t personally throw out all the charges as simply impolite, just plain bad manners.

“Kylie is such a nice boy,” the judge said, “and so white. How could
anyone not let him go shoot some more arsonists, looters and practically-black white trash? I just hope he shoots some real blacks this time, because I believe it was the fact that his non-victims were white that held up the verdict of not guilty for so long. Well, I suppose I don’t know what verdict a nearly all-white jury will return after my directions, hahahaha, but I will send it back if it’s anything but ‘not guilty.’

“Whatever the jury says, the Negroes and the white trash will riot, and that is why I let Kylie out: America needs more patriots like him, armed to the teeth, not too much in the head. They just need a little more direction. Someone should take him aside and say, ‘Listen, Kylie, try to shoot black and brown people. Ease the strain on the prisons!’ With just a few more young men as good and pure and white and stupid as Kylie, we wouldn’t need to steal the election for Trump next time, we could take it by force of arms. Second Amendment, yeah!”

Rittenhouse said he was delighted to be able to attend the riots, but refused to say whether he was going to bring his mom as his plus-one this time around. “I’ve got a brand new T-shirt that says, “Free as A-- F---, Beeyatch!” And I’ve special-ordered an M60, belt-loaded machine gun that will rip arsonists, looters and African-American Negroes to pieces, for when I’m arrested for killing more people in these new riots. Hahahahah, it’s not like I have to try to hide it!”

Rittenhouse’s more openly racist lawyer said, on grounds of anonymity (ie, from under a white KKK robe and pointed hood), “It’s going to be very professionally cool for me that, when Kyle kills more people, the next judge pretending to try him will have to follow the case of Rittenhouse as its own precedent in freeing Rittenhouse again to kill some more again and so on recurring. God bless America.”

BC Pires is walking the tightrope between caricature and Fox News. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at


"Free the Rittenhouse 1"

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