Getting over a relationship

KANISA GEORGE

Nothing lasts forever. As quickly as we are born, time runs against us, and before we know it, we’re steadily declining to the vast unknown. Relationships, like life, are endearing, sometimes impossible, and ultimately meets an untimely end. Whether by death, divorce, or merely growing apart, relationships have a start and end date, and for most of us, this adds to the already mounting feelings of fear and vulnerabilities that come along with life.

Human interaction allows us to develop meaningful relationships. Without it, the emotional and cognitive facets that make us human would be primarily affected. Research shows that a well-maintained social life protects our brain as we age. So too does having close ties to friends and family and participating in meaningful social activities.

Our brains are impacted by the type, quality and purpose of our relationships rather than the number of social connections we have. So naturally, when we go through a break up, we experience a torrent of emotions, and sometimes physical pain.

Some of us are relieved to be emancipated from the grips of despair and happily reclaim the sense of freedom stolen during our time in bondage. But the rest of us are forced to walk around like wounded puppies, trying our best to hide our battle scars while managing the dread of phantom pain. When a relationship breaks, it can be both devastating and destabilising and can potentially have continuous long-term effects on our social skills and our ability to properly move on.

When part of your body is amputated, there is a high likelihood of neuropathic pain associated with the loss. Because the amputation of a limb represents a severe disruption of our body’s integrity, negative consequences follow, particularly disability and post-amputation pain. Most amputees continue to mourn the ghost of their missing body part long after removal and suffer emotionally for many years.

Can the same be said about relationships that end? Are women haunted by the ghost of relationships past? Do we feel phantom pain?

Studies reveal that when a relationship ends, women feel an onslaught of emotions ranging from anger to depression and experience far more physical pain than men.

This, according to some researchers, might have a lot to do with what is known as the evolution theory, an argument that suggests a woman’s emotional response after a breakup is far different from a male because of biology.

Research associate at Binghamton University Craig Morris shared that women are evolved to invest far more in a relationship than men. He added that a brief romantic encounter could lead to nine months of pregnancy, with some men leaving literally minutes after the encounter, having no further biological investment.

This risk of higher biological investment has made women choosier about selecting a high-quality mate. Because of the potential to become pregnant, women are pickier than men regarding choosing a mate and usually choose to settle down with those they consider to be high quality. He believes that the loss of a relationship with a high-quality mate, for this reason, hurts more for a woman.

Beyond this theory, science shows that our brains are more active than men, especially in the prefrontal cortex, associated with impulse control, emotion and anxiety.

This higher activity also happens in the default mode network, which is responsible for our ability to think of the past and into the future. For this very reason, women tend to ruminate on their past, which results in severe emotional trauma.

When a marriage fails, women are worried about several issues. Would I be able to date again? How do I get over my trust issues? And where kids are involved, their safety and well-being top the list of concerns. This can lead to a period of prolonged emotional insecurity.

While women experience intense heartache after a relationship ends, we are far more likely than men to seek emotional support.

Our inherent need to connect makes it easier for us to “talk it out” and share intimate details. For this reason, studies seem to suggest that women actually recover more fully and are emotionally stronger after a failed relationship than men.

The bottom line is: during your lifetime, you’ll probably face the loss of a relationship. But are women perpetually haunted by the ghost of relationships past? I believe this is a rare occurrence. Don’t feel overwhelmed by the need to move on. Instead, move at your own pace, support your emotional self and become fully invested in the healing process. There is beauty in moving forward and trust me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.