Talking to your child about sex

DR ASHA PEMBERTON-GASKIN

Discussing issues of sexuality and sexual development with your child is one of the most important parenting responsibilities.

However, many parents are uncomfortable with the subject and, unfortunately, choose to avoid it altogether.

Curiosity about sex is part of the natural progression for children. Providing age-appropriate information to children, starting at an early age and continuing as they grow, helps them to understand their bodies, as well as feel positively about themselves.

If you wait until puberty or adolescence to start communicating on these important matters, parent-child dialogue will be much more difficult.

Although often awkward, these conversations provide an excellent opportunity to instil and reinforce family values and morals in your child.

Sex education does not centre around the act of sex, but rather includes the broader concept of sexuality – the physical, emotional, and social aspects of being a boy or girl, man or woman in society.

If as parents you relinquish your role in providing information about sexual development, your child will still learn some of it from other sources. These may include other children/teens, television, popular music, magazines and the internet. The information will likely not be imparted in a manner you would have wished.

In addition, much of this information is liable to be incomplete and inaccurate. At the same time, you will lose a valuable opportunity to discuss with your child the morals and values that you hold about sex and sexual behaviour.

During early childhood (one to five)

In the first years of life, children are primarily curious about differences in anatomy between males and females. You can use this curiosity to provide education about the human body and its functions. Start teaching your child the correct names for parts of the body. Using humorous or slang terms may give the impression that some body parts can be ridiculed.

It is preferable to foster a sense of privacy and positive self worth.

This is also a good time to introduce concepts related to safety and differentiating between trusted adults and strangers.

A child’s exposure to information about sex begins much earlier than many parents imagine. Not discussing it with your children means that you will have less control over what they learn and how they understand it.

During middle childhood (six to 12)

Children will experience considerable development and growth during this stage, including the changes of puberty. It is important that your child understands some facts before it begins. This includes what puberty is: including breast development and the menstrual cycle for girls; voice changes and facial hair for boys; and genital development, body hair and body odour for both boys and girls.

In addition, they need to understand the complex myriad of physical, emotional and social changes that they will go through.

Puberty in girls begins at nine on average, and a little later in boys. The physical changes that your child is experiencing or witnessing among friends will trigger a lot of questions.

As parents it is important to take the initiative to use everyday opportunities (teachable moments) to discuss appropriate sexually-related topics.

These may include:

• The birth of a baby

• Issues of sexual content on a television show or movie

• Words and phrases with sexual overtones in conversations or popular music

Ask your child questions as situations arise to find out what they know and where they may have heard it. This technique allows you to correct any misinformation in an age-appropriate way while using an opportunity to provide education.

Establishing a value system of morals is pivotal. This is critical in helping young people place sexual issues in a context that is considerate and healthy and allows for meaningful adult relationships.

During adolescence (13 to 19)

At this stage of development, parental behaviour influences your teens even more than the things that you say. The values you display, what you do and how you say things are just as important as what you say.

Teenagers are very tuned-in to double standards, so it is important as parents to model the positive behaviour that you want your teens to develop.

During adolescence, conversations should be geared towards helping your teen understand their developing sexuality and reinforcing the principles of responsible sexual behaviour. At this stage they need to understand the acts of sexual intercourse and process of conception, pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Many myths about these still exist and are widely circulated in teen peer groups.

In addition, discussions about sexual orientation and gender identity are important.

The use of media devices in teens, has led to portable access to sexually explicit content and pornography, and simultaneously allowed young people to rapidly share sexual text messages (sexting) and videos. While a challenge to discuss, this all falls under the realm of moral and responsible behaviour and should not be neglected.

Children and teens who receive appropriate sexual education at home are actually less likely to engage in risky sexual behaviour, often because family values and morals are also reinforced.

Sex education is a continuing process. If you start and continue open communication with your children about sex and other issues, they will be more likely to continue dialogue and approach you later on in adolescence when difficult or challenging situations arise. Start talking!

Dr Asha Pemberton-Gaskin is a paediatrician and adolescent medicine physician.