THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY
WEDNESDAY WAS was my birthday and all I’ve got to show for myself after six decades of this cosmic joke called life is the same receding hairline, expanding waistline, infrequent byline and recurring firetrucking punch line: ten times before today, in “birthday” columns, I’ve repeated the same hairline/waistline/byline joke I first made when I was 30 with a bullet.
Here are 63 pieces of wisdom, one from each year I’ve defied death and the odds.
1. Never fart in an elevator. 2. George Floyd will be remembered longer and better than Donald “Fat Abu Bakr” Trump. 3. It never rains but it pours. 4. Never give your real name (Bob Dylan). 5. They smile in your face/All the time they want to take your place (The O’Jays). 6. Life is hard; and then you die (Johnny Winter). 7. Life’s a bit--; and then you marry one (every rapper ever born). 8. The less-talented are always more critical. 9. Discernment as a human quality has disappeared; luckily, no one can tell. 10. Anyone still supporting Trump is a racist.
11. Marry your best friend (if she/he’s hot). 12. You’re not rich enough to buy cheap. 13. The only thing you can do to excess is moderation. 14. Never vote for a political party with three initials in its name. 15. The hottie in the gym is looking at her reflection, not you. 16. Always check the cistern has water before you sit on the can. 17. I asked her for water, she brought me gasoline (Howlin’ Wolf). 18. The only cure for hate is love. 19. No such thing as a free lunch. 20. Stilettos and a G-string compensate for most shortcomings.
21. Never laugh with Crix in your mouth. 22. Don’t bad-talk people; except Trump voters. 23. Life causes death. 24. Trinidad doesn’t have governments, it plays a government mas. 25. Laugh and cry live in the same house. 26. Live and let die (James Bond). 27. The only cons bigger than cigarettes and alcohol are Brexit and Donald Trump. 28. Your spouse will turn into her mother/his father. 29. The rich get richer and the poor get children. 30. If the kiss is good, the sex will be great.
31. Religious instruction is child abuse (Denis Solomon). 32. Never touch a tissue near any man’s computer. 33. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light (Stanley Kubrick). 34. Leave the gun; take the cannoli (The Godfather). 35. Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes; that way, you’ll have his shoes and you’ll be a mile away (Steve Martin). 36. Wherever you go, there you are. 37. Beauty fades; ugly is forever. 38. Money talks. 39. Holy books lie. 40. If Adolf Hitler flew in today/They’d send a limousine anyway (The Clash).
41. All is firetrucking vanity. 42. Be the change you want in the world (Gandhi). 43. Brrrrrrtttt! (Bunji). 44. Vanilla is the finest of the flavours (Barenaked Ladies). 45. We die alone but we live together. 46. It takes all kinds – but apostates and red women are the best. 47. Better an hour early than a minute late. 48. The best things in life are free but you’ll go into debt for an Oculus Quest. 49. Love is all you need (Beatles). 50. No intellectual society can flourish where a Jew feels even slightly uneasy (Paul Johnson).
51. Never live downwind from a chicken farm. 52. The only person you can change is yourself. 53. You can learn a lot about a person from their ringtone. 54. The louder anyone protests anything – therapy, same gender sex, Viagra – the more desperately they need it. 55. Anger is a poison you take and hope your enemy dies. 56. Peace out. 57. Love thy neighbour – but don’t let thy spouse find out. 58. Ageing beats dying. 59. Don’t stop believing (Journey); except in God (me). 60. I can handle the despair; it’s the hope I can’t stand (Clockwise).
61. It have nothing as dangerous as a Trini dunce who feel he smart (cf vaccine sceptics). 62. If you pay attention to what you already have, you won’t need anything more. 63. One day I'll have to get a real job.
BC Pires is 63. Against the run of play. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com