Gender-based violence is a men's issue

Onika Henry -
Onika Henry -

ONIKA HENRY

John beat Mary.

Mary was beaten by John.

Mary was battered.

Mary is a survivor of gender-based violence.

Did you notice the way we constructed the above sentences can change who or what is highlighted as the focus? I came across this example in a TEDx Talk I saw in 2013, done by Jackson Katz. As Katz pointed out, victim blaming is pervasive in the area of gender-based and sexual issues. We look for all the reasons why the victim is responsible for an act of violence or crime committed against them.

This of course means that the perpetrator is often not held accountable in deeply meaningful and transformative ways and therefore, as is quite obviously the case, there does not exist a plethora of programmes to intervene, train, teach or heal boys and men so that they don’t commit these atrocious acts of violence against women and girls. Instead, we have a series of questions and comments directed towards women and girls: what did she do to aggravate him; why does she keep going back; what was she wearing; why was she hanging out and drinking with so many guys, and the list goes on – and none directed at figuring out the inner workings and motivations of men who hurt women, girls and boys. By all means, ask pertinent questions about the women, but this is not going to stop the violence. They are not the ones who are inflicting the harm.

For women, we have the homes, funding and programmes, and after we rescue them we send them back out to the society that has not changed; the same society which raised the men who brutalised them and killed others and I guess, we hope that they don’t fall victim again. I guess we hope that the men who are left "untreated," both those who have already committed the crime and those who are waiting for their first victim, will all of a sudden recognise they need help and will be transformed by remorse. It seems to me that we assume or we hope that the women and girls after we save them, can now 100 per cent of the time, see the warning signs of a toxic man and avoid him or get out before he decides he has the right to violate her.

Then think about this: what will happen if we ask questions about men and their thinking, in the same way we interrogate women? What might we gain by probing deeply into the personal choices and motivation of men who abuse?

The high statistics of gender-based violence, which significantly increased due to the pandemic, is clearly pointing to the fact that our approach thus far is a colossal failure – a failure for all genders. The same system that produces men who abuse women and girls, is the same system that produces men and boys who abuse and violate other men, who subject young boys to the trauma of witnessing the pain, suffering and killing of their mother and other relatives. And what about the abusers themselves? Do we not also fail them when we don’t intervene in their lives or invest in their well-being?

CONTRIBUTORS TO GENDER AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE

In our space, we normalise, joke about or tolerate gender-based and sexual violence in many ways. It’s seen as common, or unavoidable, or just a part of life we have to deal with. Many even see it as inevitable and, in some ways, not a big deal. This kind of thinking creates a “rape culture.” And we support this rape culture through victim blaming, shaming women and holding on to harmful and outdated ideas about gender norms. Sometimes, sexual violence is deliberately used as a weapon to humiliate, scare, punish or have power over someone.

Men and boys often bond over aggressive behaviour, including aggressive sexual behaviour and many see no harm in acts like “cat calling” or don’t care about violating others through the sharing, or threat of sharing, of private texts, photos and videos. There is usually no consistent or serious consequence for sexually harassing and degrading others. Often, sexual desire is acted upon with a sense of entitlement, that ignores the rights of others. Again, we do not hold them accountable.

HOW SEX & RELATIONSHIP EDUCATION CAN HELP

As a parent, and especially as a mother of sons, I could never accept the idea of my children harming or violating another human being. I would lose sleep over idea of raising people who create havoc and pain in the life of others. My parenting was therefore deliberate and strategic. The role models, the media, the discussions and debates, the mentoring and my own example of how I live my life were all carefully and thoughtfully chosen so that my sons would not be a part of that kind of lifestyle. When I became qualified as a sexologist, my sons were in every single workshop and training I had, so my parenting game went into hyperdrive.

Here are just a few ways in which comprehensive sex and relationship education helps:

• We teach about consent, starting from as young as age three. A lack of understanding around sexual consent contributes to violence. In comprehensive sex and relationship education, we define consent and teach the skills around this for every age and stage, starting from pre-school

• We dispel all the myths about “real” men and “good” women and how sex “should” be. There are many dangerous norms and unrealistic expectations around gender roles, gender stereotypes and the act of sex that lead people to make unhealthy and harmful choices around sex.

• We teach values clarification. We focus on self-awareness in a way that helps people understand their values, their needs and desires and give the skills needed to create and respect boundaries for self and others, including refusal skills.

• We teach about intimacy. Lessons are taught about how to form and end friendships, how to communicate well, how to tell the difference between love and lust, how to negotiate and more.

Onika Henry is a Tobago-based, trained sex educator (MEd Human Sexuality) and a certified sex coach. She designs and implements workshops, training, and psycho-educational counselling, to address sexual health concerns.

Website: https://onikahenry.com

Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/ohenryconsultancy/

Contact: 381-3049

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