Judge BC

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

[ANNOUNCER’S dramatic voiceover] With apologies to Judge Judy Sheindlin, you are about to enter the imaginary courtroom of Judge BC Pires. The people are invented but their attitudes and stupidity are real. The moral dilemmas are immense. The social problem is mighty, but not so huge that it can’t be satirised. This is Judge BC!

[Cut to shot of a good-looking, fair-skinned man, Dr No-Q (for “No-Qualifications”) walking to the plaintiff’s lectern. Behind him is a light-skinned, bespectacled man with fuzzy hair and bushy moustache; let’s pull a name out of a hat and call him, oh, something arbitrary and obviously invented off-the-cuff, like “Comrade Wesley Gibbings.”]

[Announcer’s voiceover] Dr No-Q is suing Comrade Wes for damages for malicious aggressive disrespectful slander, deprivation of free speech and the right to equate opinion with fact. Comrade Wes reported Dr No-Q’s Facebook post, “Wearing Masks Will Give You Covid AND Gonorrhoea,” as dangerous to public health.

Judge BC: Dr No-Q, you are a doctor?

Dr No-Q: I am a naturopathic doctor!

Comrade Wes: Contradiction in terms! Oxymoron! Plain firetrucking moron!

Judge BC: Comrade Wes, hush! If anybody is going to mock ignorance passed off as knowledge in this courtroom, it will be me!

Judge BC [turning to Dr No-Q]: A doctor is “qualified to treat people who are ill.” A naturopath believes diseases like polio can be “successfully treated without drugs by diet, exercise and massage.” Isn’t being a naturopathic doctor a bit like being a naturopathic pilot, if you believe you can hang-glide from Trinidad to Tobago? If you started trimming trees, would you become a naturopathic surgeon?

Dr No-Q: [smiling] You just don’t understand the planned-demic is a hoax! Don’t you know Dr Fauci has shares in Bill Gates?

Judge BC: Can you state your qualifications to treat ill people?

Dr No-Q: They does believe me! Hospitals can’t save a patient without the will to live! Facebook took down my post to stop the spread of knowledge! 100,000 people die of flu every year in the US and 50,000 from stub toe!

Judge BC: In 2018/19, the flu killed 32,000 people according to the USA’s own Centre for Disease Control…

Dr No-Q [interrupting, jumping up and down, flicking his fingers]: Centre for Dummy Control! Centre for Dumb-a-- Consumers! Figures from the Deep State to frame Donald Trump, so cannibal paedophiles can defeat the lizard people!

Judge BC [continuing]: …and 200,000 have already died in the US from covid19…

Dr No-Q: Co-morbidities! Co-morbidities! Co-conspiracies! You cyar check it as covid when a man had a gallstone! That come like a man stub he toe and a chicken-in-the-car, the car cyar go far, that’s the way you spell coro-nar!

Judge BC: You have a CXC in chemistry, at least?

Dr No-Q: Science was tears. How them could expect a little boy to study something named ChCOO3?

Judge BC: Why are you so eager to believe something that is so obviously made up?

Dr No-Q [sneering, watching Judge BC cut-eye]: You’re a zombie! Wake up! They will take away your rights!

Judge BC: What rights? Who are “they?” Wouldn’t millions of people have to be complicit for this to be a cover-up? Why would every government in the world, except Sweden, take the same measures?

Dr No-Q: The cure is more damaging than the disease! Shadow didn’t sing Coronavirus is Hell! I lost all my homeopathic remedy sales!

Judge BC: You know it’s airborne. You know distancing reduces risks by geometric progression?

Dr No-Q: Me ent know ’bout maths! I trust my own immune system. You look like you need some peppermint.

Judge BC: You think people in Asia wear masks for the whole flu season every year just for style?

Dr No-Q [sneering]: I will NEVER be a mask zombie!

Comrade Wes: Well, if you become a zombie, they’ll have to call a champion marksman to shoot you in the brain.

Judge BC [banging gavel]: Look, the IPL going and start. Judgment for Comrade Wes. I sentence you, No-Dr No-IQ, to figuring out why so much effort should be put to having someone of your intelligence ignore the truth and get immersed in fantasy.

[Announcer’s dramatic voiceover] And, on the next Judge BC, Eddie Alejandro Philippe is suing TT for being so dotish that they lost their last chance of electing the new messiah.

BC Pires had such a good time with this, it’s likely to become a semi-regular feature