Pizzagate, Bill Gatesgate

BC Pires
BC Pires


IT’S NEAR impossible to declare which of today’s many rubbish, incredible, risible conspiracy theories is the most rubbish, incredible and laughable.

Pizzagate, though, must be a contender. Pizzagate adherents claim a ring of paedophiles, led by Hillary Clinton, trafficked children out of a Washington DC pizza restaurant, Comet Ping Pong.

One Pizzagater drove 550km from North Carolina to Comet Ping Pong to liberate the hundreds of children he believed were being raped in tunnels hidden under the restaurant.

The restaurant did not even have a basement.

Pizzagate gets competition, though, from the Flat Earthers. Yes, almost 500 years since Ferdinand Magellan proved the world was round by leading a fleet that circumnavigated it in 1522, there are enough Flat Earthers for there to be a schism in what they think of as their philosophy, with the orthodox saucer-shaped Flat Earthers being challenged by the more progressive diamond-shaped Flat Earthers.

Conspiracy theorists claim the world is run by a group of lizard-men, who may possibly have evolved from the Illuminati, an elite group of robber baron murderers set up during the French Revolution (who may or may not have as their raison d’être the elimination of black people from the planet), who presumably interpret the crop circles the aliens use to communicate with us when those extraterrestrials are not landing at Denver Airport, the secret hub of the Illuminati, before teleporting and/or time-travelling to Roswell, New Mexico, in the year 1947, where they are still hiding in plain sight today, faking both the moon landing and the assassination of JFK, adding chemicals to the world water supply to turn people gay, continuing to fool people into thinking the year is 2020 when they really know it’s 1719, and plotting with Hitler, who is still alive and well, to unmask the impostor who took Paul McCartney’s place when the Beatle died in 1969.

One remarkably stupid group, even by the brain-free, proof-free, disproof-resistant non-standards of conspiracy theory, and one I wouldn’t legitimise even to the limited extent of using their name, so let’s call them “Z-Firetruckin’ Well Known,” claims Fat Nixon will “soon” expose the cabal of cannibal paedophiles that secretly run those bits of America that the Illumnati and the lizard-men, unaccountably, let slip.

But the most brainless conspiracy theory of all – with apologies to my friends who’ve smoked enough weed to follow the “reasoning” – must be what I now think of as “Bill Gatesgate.”

Bill Gatesgate conspiracy theorists – honestly, conspiracy fantasists – are certain, because they have done the research, that Bill Gates, one of the richest men in history and today’s leading philanthropist, deliberately created coronavirus and covid19 (perhaps in his lab in Wuhan), and has spread it all over the world using 5G mobile phone masts to transmit the virus “germs” directly to the metallic strip in face masks that more gullible people put on, because Bill Gates has put code in Microsoft Word and Excel to convince them they will be protected by face masks, which are really virus signal satellite dishes.

Bill Gates, they will tell you, has shut the world economy down so that, when he reopens it (presumably with no opposition from the lizard-men and the Illuminati, because they will by then have been neutered via their lethal self-exposure to PowerPoint), he will make billions from the vaccine he invented BEFORE he created the virus, which he had to do, because he was broke!

And they can prove it, with research and thing.

Dr Fauci, eg, sits on the World Health Organization board (which is secretly owned by Bill Gates), so he can orchestrate the “planned-demic” to make Bill Gates rich again.

Two decades ago, you point out, Bill Gates had so much money he began giving it away – but you can’t fool Bill Gatesgate conspiracy theorists with such nonsense as facts or evidence, and they’re naturally immune to logic. (Like, if he wanted more money, why would Bill Gates shut the world economy down? Wouldn’t that kind of affect his cash flow?)

For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.

And conspiracy theorists provide all the packing/insulation needed by the people who really do run the world, to keep themselves safe from the rabble they’ve exploited forever.

If you’re a conspiracy theorist, there is only one theory you need to propose yourself.

Why, exactly, have you been persuaded to waste all your energy on conspiracy theory?

BC Pires is in the trees but he can still see the forest and follow the money. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at


"Pizzagate, Bill Gatesgate"

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