Chupidee and Chupider

BC Pires
BC Pires


TWO MEN in a rum shop were arguing over whose son was more stupid. The first called his nine-year-old over, gave him ten cents and told him to go buy a new car for the family. “That ent nothing!” said the other man. He told his ten-year-old, “Go to my club and see if I’m playing tennis.”

The boys met at the crossroads. “My father so stupid,” said the first boy, “he gave me ten cents to buy a new car and he didn’t say what colour and make he want!” “That ent nothing,” said the other. “My father so stupid, he sending me to the tennis club to see if he playing – and he coulda just ring and find out!”

Similarly, Boris Johnson and Donald Trump were hiding in the White House bunker at 1600 Black Lives Matter Avenue, waiting for the army to tear-gas peaceful protesters so that they could take a photograph in front of the Lincoln Memorial, head-to-head, like Simon & Garfunkel on the Bookends album cover, without face masks, but with assault weapons, the candidates who personified law and order and lording it over the dark-skinned, semi-human, lazy SOBs that caused all the jobs to go to China and all the Muslims to come to Britain.

“My supporters are so loyal,” said Trump – for, in modern right wing electoral parlance, “loyal” and “stupid” are interchangeable terms – “that I could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose a vote. Look, I tear-gassed Americans in Lafayette Square and only lost one measly general.”

“Balderdash and stuffed crumpets!” snorted Johnson. “My supporters are so ineffably loyal that I only have to say British monuments shouldn’t be defaced and, at the height of a pandemic, they swarm into London to beat the crap out of any darkie near a statue.”

“Horse shiretrit!” sneered Trump. “I’m holding an indoor rally tomorrow night in Oklahoma, which just had our highest coronavirus infection spike! The Tulsa mayor and the health department said don’t come cause they might get sick and die. I even made them sign waivers promising not to sue me if they got covid19 and all 19,000 tickets went in a flash! Now that’s stupidity!”

“Piffle and short-haired terriers’ testicles!” harrumphed Johnson. “My supporters are so brainless, I can rub horse manure in their faces. When England was under serious lockdown, my boss, Dominic “Short” Cummings, took his wife on a birthday drive and picnic and I told my voters it was an eye test and they cheered!”

“Crapola!” shouted Trump. “I used US aid to blackmail a foreign leader to fake dirt against my political rivals, which led to a perfect impeachment by the Democrat House and my Senate gave me a get-out-of-jail-free card although they hate me!”

“My government loves me,”snapped Johnson, “because I fired every Tory MP who didn’t back me blindly, including Winston Churchill’s grandson. My Cabinet is so stupid, it thinks Brexit is a good idea. They couldn’t punch its way out of a wet paper – but they adore me!”

“I told them the pandemic was a Chinese Democrat hoax,” said Trump, “and it would ‘magically’ go away and that they could inject Lysol to neutralise the virus. I killed nearly 120,000 Americans – and they’re going to vote for me in droves. If they live.”

“You were an epidemiologist compared to me!” snorted Johnson. “Half the people who died in the UK would probably have lived, if I’d started the lockdown one week earlier! And they love my haircut, no matter how crappy it is!”

“I’ve got the worst hair in the world,” shouted Trump, “and I’ve given them NOTHING! Millions of jobs lost, people who will never own a share of anything but misery in their lives cheering a stock market boom that will bust them! And they still support me!”

Johnson tilted his head back and lit a cigarette, a la Sean Connery in James Bond.

“I’ve actually taken everything away from them,” he said, coldly. “British crops are rotting in the fields because we have no Rumanians to pick them, property values are plummeting, freedom of movement to 27 other, far-better-run European countries has been denied and I’ll soon put military checkpoints in Ulster and restart the Troubles. I’m about to make them poorer, stupider and more cut off from their neighbours and the world! And I don’t have to face an election for nearly five years!”

Trump slumped.

He looked up at Johnson and said, “Take win.”

BC Pires is sworn to fun, loyal to none, just like Boris the Evil Clown. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at


"Chupidee and Chupider"

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