Say my name

Recently I met a woman who asked me my name.

I told her “Elspeth” and automatically waited to hear what version of my name would emerge from her mouth.

For some reason this has not really happened to me elsewhere in the world, but I am accustomed to many people in TT not being able to pronounce my name – which is phonetically very simple.

Two syllables: El + speth = Elspeth.

I often have to repeat my name several times, sometimes spelling it slowly, while the person says it repeatedly and still mispronounces it. At that point I usually say: “Look, just call me El,” or “Call me Spec,” (a nickname I’ve had since primary school).

This woman, however, said my name perfectly. She even seemed to savour it for a while before adding: “What a beautiful name! If I ever have a daughter I will name her Elspeth.”

She asked me about the name’s origins. I told her it is the Scottish form of Elizabeth. She asked me what it means. I told her about the meanings I have encountered thus far: “God an oath,” “Promised to God” and “God’s Granddaughte.”

“Yes. Well I would definitely name my daughter that,” she concluded. I was almost about to warn her that her daughter might end up with lots of bizarre pronunciations of her name, but didn’t bother. I simply laughed and, agreeing with her choice, said: “All Elspeths I’ve come across are great.”

Once when I called a business place, the person I was attempting to reach was not in office, so I asked the receptionist to take a message. The usual phonetic gymnastics ensued after I said: “Please tell him that Elspeth Duncan called.” “El-what?”

When she finally got the name right and wrote it down, she asked: “And what’s your name?”

She had thought that Elspeth was the name of my business place.

Elizabeth, the most commonly used "mispronunciation" of my name, is at least an understandable variation. It sounds fairly close and, as stated above, Elspeth is the Scottish version of this appellation.

I have also been called Elstar...Eillybeth...Elliepet...Ezfit...Elfin...Eztet...Izpell. Just when I think there can be no more variations, someone delivers another. The most bizarre one I remember encountering is "Mizpet" – quite far fetched, as it doesn’t even begin with a vowel.

Sometimes the alternative versions are not spoken, but written – “Elpheth” being the most recent. Friends on my Facebook page have become so accustomed to my anecdotes recounting new versions of Elspeth that whenever I put the current mispronunciation as a status update, responses start flowing in.

Comments on the "Elpheth" status update included: “V biblical”...“Spelling with a lisp?” ...“They’re getting there. Any year now”...“Close-ish?”

The most recently shared mispronunciation was “Espell.” Comments included: “Sounds like a 21st century witch...does everything online!”...“I’m gonna put Espell on you”...“Sounds better than others you have mentioned...LOL.”

While I myself laugh at the mispronunciations and enjoy sharing them with friends who also find them amusing, I often wonder why so many people in TT have difficulty in pronouncing what, to me, is a simple, two-syllable name with familiar letters and phonetics.

Perhaps it has nothing to do with the name itself. Even friends who have common names have, mind-bogglingly, reported mispronunciations.

Some examples: Shivonne has been called Shivanee...Sophie called Sushi...Chantelle called Sharntail, Charmaine.

Sometimes name alteration also involves gender reassignment. One friend, Michelle, has had people call her Michael – mostly over the phone, she says, but also when they see her. She looks nothing like a man, so this is baffling.

Any number of factors might affect an individual’s ability to correctly pronounce an inherently simple or common name. Lazy listening? Careless expression? Lack of interest?

A possible solution? Considering how many people are able to understand and artfully regurgitate high-speed, incomprehensible hip hop and rap lyrics, the next time someone asks me my name, they might get it right if I churn it out at warp hip hop speed à la (for example) Nicki Minaj:

“Uh huh yo uhhu uhhu Holla holla Ihavearequest: youwannaimpress? Thentrytoexpress, untilyouprogress attainingsuccessbysaying: “Elspeth.”