In a tight corona

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

THE CORONA/COVID19 virus, the most serious modern threat to world health and the global economy, smashes into us just when the biggest jokers in history are holding the highest political offices in the US, UK, India and Australia. These Four Horsemen of the Viral Apocalypse will turn what might have remained an epidemic into a certain pandemic.

Now no one expected the ignorant White House squatter who actually called the coronavirus a hoax to take any action that wasn’t going to be calamitous but he trumped himself in imbecility when he appointed Vice President Mike Pence to lead the fight against the virus. Four times that idiot Pence put his religious beliefs ahead of the unquestioned science to:

1. Refuse a needle exchange to limit the spread of HIV.

2. In 2000 – only 20 years ago – deny that smoking cigarettes killed people.

3. In 2002, he told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that condoms were “very poor” protection against STDs.

4. Last year – last year – he refused to acknowledge to CNN’s Jake Tapper that “human-induced climate change” was a threat.

He’s just the man you want to lead the Western world’s fight against a deadly, rapidly mutating and spreading virus; he will pray on the matter even as the virus preys on people.

Bozo the Clown pretending to be the British Prime Minister, at the official government coronavirus media briefing on Tuesday, actually boasted of determinedly shaking the hands of people with the virus.

In India, the man turning hatred into votes would probably approve of the coronavirus if he thought it could be limited to Muslim neighbourhoods.

And the Australian PM, who just barely survived a hellish burning of his country, emerged still denying climate change science.

How, you wonder, are our leaders responding right here at home?

Well, wonder no longer: I have a transcript of yesterday’s Cabinet meeting, which I can certify is 100 per cent authentic because I made it up myself.

Extract of Cabinet meeting transcript:

Health Minister Terrence “Is Me, Not Farrell” Deyalsyingh: Prime Minister, this coronavirus…

Prime Minister Dr Keith Rowley [interrupting]: Don’t bring me into that kangatang! I could only catch the Heineken virus! Me ent drinking that Mexican crap.

AG Faris Al-Strongy: Prime Minister, my plan to combat the virus is to isolate everybody who cough in a special building, which I could rent the state at a discounted price of $250,000 a week, $300,000 if you want extras like keys for the doors and handles on the windows. No problem how wide it spread, my family have plenty buildings to rent.

Finance Minister Colm Imbert: I restrict the availability of foreign exchange for four years now and them businessmen ent riot yet! But no virus could spread if nobody doing any business anywhere in Trinidad!

National Security Minister Stuart Young: PM, my plan is to take out a picture in all-black with Double Gee: them virus will run like all them bandit run! Virus fraid bad short man just like gangster!

Works and Transport Minister Rohan Sinanan: Prime Minister, I think I deserve a national award for limiting the virus spread. By my one, I have isolate all of Tobago for the last four years, don’t study two measly weeks! Not one firetruck of a virus coming out of Tobago! And no sweet drink going in neither.

Energy Minister Franklin Khan: Forget he, Prime Minister! I deserves the award! I close down the Petrotrin refinery and nobody cyar get gas to drive nowhere! Too besides, I does isolate the whole country twice a day, five-to-a-car, 12 in small maxi, 24 in big one, in traffic every day of life!

Education Minister Anthony Garcia: Prime Minister, we should implement the Mike Pence Plan: no medicine at all, but plenty-plenty-plenty prayer.

Social Development Minister Cherrie-Ann Crichlow-Cockburn: My plan is to hide the virus like how I’s hide so well, nobody don’t even know I in the Cabinet.

Chorus of the 18 – yes, 18 – other Cabinet members: No! That is MY plan!

PM: Firetruck all of all-you! Who take my bene balls? I had a bag of firetrucking bene balls right here!

BC Pires is a fly on the wall of a weekly catastrophe. Read the full version of this column, featuring five more ministers, on Saturday at www.BCPires.com