The power of hope

Debbie Jacob
Debbie Jacob

AT EVERY TURN I feel hope, and to me that seems like a miracle. Hope fuels a feeling of power, but it cannot exist merely as a wish. It’s a feeling that must be created. It took a long time for me to realise that hope is our strongest weapon against sadness, anger and cynicism. For me, hope was a long time coming.

Three decades ago, when my children were babies, I tried to turn my house into a fortress. I barricaded myself behind three layers of burglar-proofing hoping to protect my family from the constant bombardment of crime. I felt powerless and depressed.

My living room became a storage room for my friends. I stacked boxes four feet high, leaving only a narrow pathway from the burglar-proofed gates that separated my living room from my kitchen because I thought this might deter the next intruder. I kept a pot of boiling water on the stove and convinced myself I could throw it on someone. At dusk, I closed the windows because I felt we were being watched. While I cooked in the kitchen, my children played in a room no bigger than a prison cell.

Every night I relived the scene of holding my infant son Zino in one arm, and a knife in another as someone kicked down the door to my house.

Sleep deprivation fuelled my angst. I caught sleep in small doses, making sure to be awake at 3 am when I wondered from which house the next screaming victim would come. I still remember my first full night’s sleep, 16 years after that first invasion. On that night Zino, then a teenager, brought home Duchess the pit bull to sleep in my bedroom with me.

And then one day, I decided I couldn’t be a victim any longer. I began teaching at the Youth Training Centre, and found hope in those troubled teenagers, who inspired a book, Wishing for Wings, and a foundation to do work in prisons. Together we learned the power of trust and redemption and my life developed meaning beyond words.

Still, on February 7, the day of the Express Individual of the Year award ceremony at the Marriott Hotel, I wondered how did I ever get here? No one who performs community service every thinks about awards, and when this one came, I cried with joy at the opportunity to represent every single person in this country – the ones like me who have suffered from crime, those who vowed to no longer be a victim, and the voiceless people I represent in prison.

We struggle and suffer on both sides of the bars – the ones in prison and the ones we construct because we are indeed, as the late Seadley “Penguin” Joseph sang, Living in Jail.

To think I could still be living in my own prison wallowing in self-pity, fear, sadness and loneliness. Instead, I have had the honour of being part of an incredible network of collaborators. Children’s Ark built a library in the Port of Spain Prison with a reading room for inmates to read to their children.

Retired prisons commissioner Sterling Stewart allowed us to tear down old death row cells and bring the artists from Carrera to paint my daughter Ijanaya’s design for that space. Together, we brought light to one of the darkest places in this country.

The Ministry of Community Development facilitated my PVC furniture making and decorative tiling classes in prison. Book clubs and generous individuals supported programmes. The US Embassy helped me to get grants. Current acting Prisons Commissioner Dennis Pulchan and retired prisons commissioners Dane Clarke, Gerard Wilson and Sterling Stewart supported every initiative – including my prison debates – because they know fighting crime is a community effort.

I learned to find hope and support in remarkable places. I never could have made my transition without the kind support of the Police Canine Unit that provided a sanctuary in Caroni where I could escape in tough times and feel safe and happy with the love of retired police dogs. The canine police helped me heal from the pain and disappointment I once had when I felt police had constantly let me down.

I thank the Trinidad Express for the moving Individual of the Year ceremony on February 7. For those who nominated me and the newspaper that awarded this honour, I feel tremendous gratitude and hope that you all realise the importance of collaboration and support.

Never doubt the power of hope.

Comments

"The power of hope"

More in this section