Pay your way with gratitude

"Gratitude is a currency that we can mint for ourselves, and spend without fear of bankruptcy."

— Fred De Witt Van Amburgh

The boy and I have made it to 2020 in good health and we are grateful because not everyone was afforded such a privilege. Over 500 people were murdered last year, many more died of natural causes, and at least ten beautiful women I know were ripped away from their families by cancer — all of them unable to express their gratitude for the gift of life in the new year. And there are so many others who were afflicted with diseases, lost their jobs, and were placed in a variety of unfortunate circumstances in 2019.

Over the years I have found that my son, like so many children of his generation, acts like he is entitled to everything in the world and then some, very often forgetting to show gratitude for the things his parents work hard to provide for him. His "gimme gimme" attitude gets on my last nerve most times and we've had many a loud confrontation because of it. Not a day goes by without me hearing, "Mom can I get ...?" or "Mom can you buy me..." The thing is, though, that although I quarrel, I just as frequently find myself swiping the card to accede to his request, which, I have to admit, makes me an enabler to his feeling of entitlement — something I know has to be curbed. But how?

Of late, I have been trying to instil a sense of gratitude in him by taking the advice of New York-based etiquette consultant Melissa Leonard and reinforcing the lessons of good manners taught to him from a very young age. "Children model their parents in every way, so make sure you use 'please' and 'thank you' when you talk to them. Insist on their using the words, too. After all, good manners and gratitude overlap," she says.

She suggests working gratitude into every conversation, even the most mundane of them. "When you reinforce an idea frequently, it's more likely to stick." And during the Christmas season I extended this to include sending hand-written and voice "thank you" notes to the people who gave him birthday and Christmas presents.

But I think my biggest challenge to date in trying to impart the gratitude lesson is my inability to say "no" many times when my high-maintenance #1son asks for something while looking at me with those beautiful, big eyes, fringed by lashes that reach out and tug at my heartstrings. But how is he supposed to learn to be grateful if his wants, the ones I can afford at least, are almost always met? Gratitude comes easy to me because the many "no's" during my childhood made the few "yes'" so much sweeter. As a child I never owned a Barbie, never had a lavish birthday party, never travelled to another country, never had brand-name clothes. But I also never went to bed hungry, was never homeless and had some of the best vacations at my grandmother's home — experiences for which I will be eternally grateful. I know my indulging him is just my way of giving him the things I didn't have as a child, but I also accept that I am not really acting in his best interest by giving in to his whims and fancies.

Having children help around the house also contributes to fostering an attitude of gratitude, as it helps them to appreciate the effort it takes for you to get things done. I know this from my chores experience as a child, and I can't express how I regret the many times I gave in to the temptation to step in and do some of the things I had asked my son to do because he was taking too long or making too much mess. In retrospect, had I looked past the pancake mix on almost every surface of the kitchen after his breakfast-making attempts, the wet floors and countertops after his version of washing dishes, or the lumpy-looking vision of what he called a made-up bed, I'm sure by now he would have learnt to do it properly and have an appreciation for the time and effort that go into completing the tasks. But it's never too late to start, right?

Encouraging children to get involved in goodwill projects is another great way to teach them a lesson of gratitude. And it doesn't have to be anything elaborate. Sure letting them help to prepare meals for and distributing them to homeless people or at senior citizen or children's homes is one of the more popular ways of giving back, but something as simple as watering the plants for a sick neighbour can teach the same lesson. Also, when we teach our children to be generous the lesson of gratitude is usually incorporated.

There were times when I cleaned out my closet and donated clothes and accessories to people who needed it, and my son did the same with gently-used toys (gadgets not included), clothes and footwear without me having to ask him to. I am always grateful to witness these bouts of generosity because unfortunately, for impatient people like me, gratitude is not a trait that can be developed overnight. It may sometimes take weeks, months, or even years, but I believe with consistent reinforcement, a gracious person eventually emerges from their cocoon of entitlement.