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Friday 13 December 2019
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A Trini Trump impeachment

BC Pires
BC Pires

The worst thing, for me, about the American House of Representatives beginning the impeachment of Donald J Putinovic was all the cringing I had to do on behalf of the Republican congressmen. Now I expect almost nothing from Republicans.

I know they usually deny the science of global warming and swallow whole the old Jewish creation myth of Adam and Eve and that, anytime compelling evidence leads to an obvious logical conclusion, they power-wash their doubt away with jets of blind faith; consider, eg, how easily they squeeze, into the round hole of “champion of family values,” that square orange peg of a twice-divorced, sex worker-bribing man with a deeply worrying appreciation of his own teenage daughter.

But, even by the topi tamboo “standards” of the planet’s most credulous cretins, Wednesday was em-bar-rass-ing. You know you shouldn’t back a team if the captain is a jackass. You have to really want to play for Chelsea, eg, to go back on to a pitch with John Terry after he’s stolen (and more) your girlfriend.

But could even a Republican throw himself behind a team vice-captained by Ohio Congressman Jim Jordan, the man who puts the “crack” in “cracker”? How bad must your cause or case be if led by Devin “Two Brain Cell” Nunes, the man Rolling Stone called “Trump and Putin’s most useful idiot on Capitol Hill”?

With Trump openly admitting the basis of his impeachment – his expectation that the Ukrainian president would investigate former vice president Joe Biden, his main domestic political rival, as a favour – the Republicans have no argument against the merits.

When you have the facts on your side, the old lawyer told the young one, hammer them to the jury; when you have the law on your side, hammer it to the judge; when you have neither the facts nor the law on your side, hammer on the table.

And the Republicans have been hammering on the table – and hamming it up in the basement corridor of the House – in a way that stretches “gauche” past its point of elasticity. Big hard-backed men really-seriously trying to bring back the Steele dossier? Your big rhetorical deal is to pretend the Democrats called Trump a Russian agent?

The Mueller Report was “a pitiful finale” of an attempt by “the corrupt media and partisan bureaucrats to overturn the 2016 election”? Secret depositions from closed-door auditions in cult-like atmospheres in the basement of the Capitol? (How, you wonder, did he resist calling it the dungeon?) It would be better to say nothing at all than to talk that level of caca. Nunes on Wednesday could have been declared the Chairman for Life of the House No-Intelligence Committee.

Nunes and Jordan were so very bad, as congressional leaders and exemplars, they almost became good again, as self-parodying unintentional comedy. I even began to feel sorry for them. So I thought I’d give them some better Trini-style BS to peddle. If you really want to make rubbish sound plausible, you need to do it in Trinidad dialect. Look out, then, for these future statements from Devin “Oh Gorm, Lend Me a Brain Cell, Nuh, Ah Begging” Nunes and Jim “Brain-Free Zone” Jordan. The statement will be read in the House by Paul Keens-Douglas.

Democrats Just Jealous Donald Trump; By Devin “Brainiac” Nunes, Jim “Airhead” Jordan & Georgie the Sno Cone Man.

Mr Chairman: What we seeing in this farcical farce is that the Democrats and them did all apply to buy condoms in Trump Towers but they get run back, so them trying to pelt we Fat Boy out the White House through the back door.

Plus, someone write in the toilet in the Capitol basement, right by where them Democrats did drug Ambassador Taylor and give George Kent bad doubles to eat, it write up big on the wall, with a black sharpie, that Adam Schiff like Melania bad-bad-bad and ask she to dance once, but she say no.

So he say he will impeach Trump for bad mind.

And we feel Nancy Pelosi rubbing, them Democrat in stinkness. Watch me, is jealous they jealous Donald Trump. Too besides, is the dog what eat Trump homework and what Trump did wasn’t nothing, ent Kamla do she own thing, too, and don’t talk ‘bout Rowley! Even Patos did call him Rottweiler, ent. All Trump do was squeeze them Ukrainian to get a little something for heself; that wasn’t corruption, that was lanyap. You go fire a man for a phone call?

Firetruck away with all this Democrat firetruckery, yes. Is four more years of Donald Trump in they a--. Firetruck Joe Biden, how you go call your son firetrucking Hunter. Joe Biden is a quenk.

When you get them, is to wine on them. Matter fix. Impeachment over. Run the firetrucking election, yes. Electoral college in they rooker-ker-kung-tung!

BC Pires is the ambassador to Washing They Tongue on the Poor Man

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