Memories

It took me years after pregnancy to be able to resume consumption of avocados, bananas, dasheen-bush bhagi and pig tail, and just as many years to even consider using any Garnier Fructis hair products. I still can’t bring myself to take as much as a sip of Lucozade, and let’s just say bingeing on Nollywood movies, as entertaining as some of them can be, can never be a thing for me ever again. All because of the memories to which they are linked during what seemed like my decade-long couch-confined pregnancy.

It’s really hard to forget vomiting a whole pig after taking a nibble of the salted tail, or a bunch of bananas after eating less than half of one. How the fruity scent of conditioner can set you back hours of nausea-free time, and how the sight and sound of the busy bubbles in a fizzy energy drink can rekindle the thought of the turbulence they caused in the pit of your stomach over ten years ago.

The memory is a powerful thing and research has shown that most of our life experiences are closely linked to earlier memories. A study conducted by researchers from Washington University published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General found that, “While we may not be able to change events in our past, we remember them well or not so well, and that memory greatly affects how our brains frame the events happening in the present — and even models what will occur in the future.”

Bad memories can be the underlying cause of a number of psychological problems, ranging from post-traumatic stress disorder to phobias, and blocking them out is a natural human reaction. But while a lot of people are able to suppress bad memories, I never could. In fact, my bad childhood memories are even more vivid than the good ones, possibly because of the magnitude of the emotions they elicited at the time. Needless to say the bad memories have played major roles in some of the bad choices I made as an adult, until they didn’t anymore. I eventually realised that, as Jeff Zacks, professor of psychology and brain sciences at Washington University explained, “Memory isn’t for trying to remember. It’s for doing better the next time.”

As a parent, I took a decision to learn from both the good and bad memories and use them to do better, instead of allowing them to dictate the decisions I make in raising my child. Just because I was disciplined in a certain way doesn’t mean I have to use the same disciplinary actions. The religious beliefs that were handed down to me don’t have to be his. The way in which my childhood unfolded doesn’t have to be the way his does. It’s not always easy switching gears because the familiarity of memories have a way of tugging you in a particular direction, but the power of the will can be just as strong.

Recollections of good times with my "village" are ones that I cherish and pass on to my son so he can understand and appreciate where he came from and the value of family. Recalling but not allowing the bad memories of parental absenteeism and neglect to haunt me is just as important, because now I am learning to put them in context and use them as guides to my actions when I’m uncertain of which path to take. “When negative memories intrude, focusing on the contextual details of the incident rather than the emotional fallout could help minimise cognitive disruption and redirect the brain's resources to the task at hand,” a study from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign found. They happened, I cannot change that fact, but that was then and this is now. Back then, as a child, I had very little control over what happened to me. Now, as an adult, I get to choose how my life turns out. I get to choose the type of memories I want to give my son.

And in as much as he and I have long discussions on just about any topic, including my childhood, I firmly believe that my ghosts should remain mine. It would be remiss of me to give him details of the distressing tales of my bad experiences. Instead, I try to use the reality of those experiences to spur me on to do better and lead by example. To be the parent I needed and wanted. There are times when I drop the ball, but for the most part, I’m getting there.

These days I eat avocados, bananas, dasheen-bush bhagi and pig tail like it’s nobody’s business. Garnier Whole Blends in now my go-to deep conditioner. I accepted an invitation to the opening of the Africa Film TT two years ago and it was lovely. And who knows, maybe with the type of heat we’re experiencing these days a cold Lucozade may be just the drink I need for an energy boost.

We’ll see.