When a 'clique' is a good thing

My ten-year-old son recently came home from school and declared that he is a member of a gang. Fortunately, not the type that may someday cause me to run out into the streets still wearing my nightie shouting, “Allyuh too wicked!” at the police, moments after he is shot dead as a result of his notoriety. This gang is one of a more constructive nature.

According to the merriam-webster.com clans, cliques, organisations, clubs, crew, are all synonymous with gangs. The connotation of the word gang, however, is not one that most parents, present company included, wish to associate with their children. Especially in light of the Narcos-like plot that unfolded last week, leaving fishermen, gang members, family members and bodyguards dead, with fears of reprisal killings. So I gently guided my little wannabe gangster to instead use one of the many other synonyms. He chose clique, "a small close-knit group of people who do not readily allow others to join them."

Apparently, he and some of his classmates who read the Warriors series by Erin Hunter, have formed an exclusive group, a book club of sorts, where they read about and discuss the shenanigans of a clan of wild cats. The leader of the clique, of course, is the girl who introduced them to the books, and in addition to guiding the discussion, as a leader she is sometimes required to make tough decisions after consulting with members. At the close of the school term, they had to determine whether or not Leah should be given membership status, since “you know, she listens to someone reading the book instead of reading it herself.” Apparently, she made the “mistake” of asking her parents to order the audio book instead of the hard copy.

Quite a common scenario, because at some point in life everyone becomes part of a clique, complete with initiation and rules. What is it they say about birds of a feather? Much like "gang" though, pop culture has morphed “clique” into a bad thing. Just ask the teens on the outer circle of the teen saga Mean Girls. But being a member of a clique, like everything else, has its benefits.

Building friendships

Cliques allow members with similar interest to enjoy each other’s company, sometimes forming lasting bonds and friendships. Whether the group is formed out of a love of sports, music, art, or reading, it gives children an opportunity to share their passion with people who understand exactly how they feel. #1son even found out that one of the Warriors members shares his love for Ramen noodles, so they’ve formed a clique within a clique and discuss the different ways in which they can prepare said noodles.

Finding your strengths

People who belong to cliques very often find and develop their strengths within the group. There must be a leader; someone who helps plan and organise the group’s activities; a mediator for when disagreements get heated. No group can function or last without members’ support and participation, even if they are not aware of the roles they are playing. My boy is as loquacious as they come, so I’m assuming he is the one who gets the conversations started. I’m just hoping that other people get the chance to get in a few words sideways before the meetings end.

I am…

Members of cliques take on the identity of the group to which they belong. “I am an artist!” or “I am an athlete!” or “I’m a nerd!” Some of them are comfortable with that identity, those who are not will more than likely move on and find another group with which they can better identify. My son has, by trial, found a comfortable identity, for now. Because being on the cusp of the teenage years, things are more than likely subject to change.

The social structure

Popularity is one of the pillars of many a clique, especially among teenagers, creating a social structure that can be pleasant or unpleasant. Unlike my son, I was never in a clique on the higher end of the popularity spectrum — something that seems to have followed me into adulthood. He, on the other hand, is riding the popularity wave like he was born for it.

Cliques, however, like peer pressure, can also pose adverse risks to children who are not well grounded. As parents it is our responsibilities to teach them how to survive the cliques they will inevitably encounter.

• Teach them to know, understand and accept themselves. Encourage them to ask and answer honestly if they share the group’s values, or just want to be accepted.

• Encourage them to stay in the group only if the activities make them feel good about themselves.

• Insist that they keep their social circles as open and diverse as possible, because cliques sometimes have a tendency of controlling how its members look, think, dress, and behave.

• Encourage them to speak out and take a stand if they feel their beliefs are being threatened. Yes they should be sensitive to the views of others, but that doesn’t mean they should go along with what they think is wrong just because everyone else is doing it.

And regarding Leah's admittance or non-admittance into the Warriors clique, I will keep you posted.