Missing the moment

Social media is littered with graduation photos of youngsters in caps and gowns proudly accepting certificates, or wearing fancy dresses and debonair suits at their graduation balls.

Graduation day is one of the most important days in the lives of most children. No matter what educational level and programme they've completed, this day marks a milestone of their accomplishments — the end of one stage in their lives and the beginning of another, and something they always want to share with their families, biological or otherwise.

One of the most outstanding memories of my secondary school graduation, unfortunately, is not a pleasant one. For despite the awards I received for English Language and Literature, Caribbean History and general proficiency, I will never forget, so many years later, that my father was not there to share in that auspicious day. Not that we had this special bond or anything. But just the thought that on one of the days on which I had the opportunity to shine he couldn't have bothered to make the effort to be in the audience of proud parents to witness it.

My mother, as usual, was most present. Her beaming face as I walked to the stage to receive my book awards (the era before the trophy days) was the other side of the coin. I felt a sense of satisfaction knowing that she probably felt her sacrifices thus far had not been in vain. And although I knew that getting to and passing the next rung of the academic ladder would have to be my burden financially, I was appreciative that her ever-present encouragement had been a major part of laying a solid foundation. In fact, every time I pull out The Thornbirds, my Literature award that I still cherish, I see her face on the cover. And it was the same with her and all my siblings, with her going so far as to pick up my younger sister, Louann, from her graduation ball with rollers in her hair. Fortunately Louann had the good sense to get to the pickup point before mom got out of the car.

But his absence on that day and from many other milestones in my life prior, in as much as I hate to admit, had left its mark. It may no longer have the potency it did back then as it regards my pride in what I have worked hard to accomplish, but it certainly threw a damper on my interest in attending my graduation ball and was a contributing factor to my nonchalance about attending any of my tertiary education graduations. I no longer dwell on it, and instead I have chosen to find my silver lining in the message I send to my ten-year-old son and his accomplishments. We, his father and I, make it a point to attend all his milestone events, no matter how insignificant it may seem to others. From his preschool graduation when he was four, to his headache-generating drum recital at five. From his nail-biting Red Ball and Orange Dot tennis tournaments, to his school's Carnival and Christmas performances. From a distance I can always see his little eyes diligently searching for us, and he doesn't relax until we have made eye contact and he gives his trademark thumbs up. Win, lose or draw, what's important to him is that we are there.

The role parents play in the lives of their children are irreplaceable. "Even when young children spend most of their waking hours in childcare, parents remain the most influential adults in their lives," writes Dr Jack Shonkoff, a board-certified paediatrician who sits on the faculty of the Harvard Graduate School of Education. He continues, "The hallmark of the parental relationship is the readily observable fact that this special adult is not interchangeable with others. A child may not care who cuts his hair or takes his money at the toy store, but he cares a great deal about who is holding him when he is unsure, comforts him when he is hurt, and shares special moments in his life."

Moments as seemingly insignificant as a five-year-old's clumsy dance recital or an off-key vocal rendition at a talent show. Children remember these moments forever. They remember that mummy was the one cheering the loudest and daddy was unaware he was blocking the view of others in the audience because he was too busy recording it all. They remember that Joshua's parents were screaming with pride when he made a run in the cricket match, but that daddy missed when they skilfully caught the ball because he was busy taking an "important" call.

The impact of the type of relationship parents share with their children usually lasts a lifetime and there are numerous studies that show how parental involvement in a child's life can determine the direction their lives take. My mother was as involved in my life as she could have been, so limited financial resources, although disheartening then, did not break me. True, if she had been able to afford to pay for piano lessons after secondary school, my life may have been totally different today. For as my then music teacher had said, "Your fingers were made to play the piano." Instead, I find satisfaction in tapping away at a keyboard, to which my fingers seem to have taken.

I rarely ever wonder any more what could have been if my father had played a bigger role in my life, or if we didn't live on a shoe-string budget back then. They are just memories now, albeit unpleasant. What's important to me is creating a good "now" for the little boy in my charge, the little boy to whom my time with him is worth more than its weight in gold, so that he can have good memories later. I admit sometimes it's a stretch to always be there, but it's what I signed up for when he was conceived. And who knows, when he doesn't need me as much anymore, maybe I can do my fingers a favour and sign up for those piano lessons. Or perhaps I can use them to practise putting rollers in my hair to keep the graduation ball tradition going.