THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY
WHENEVER Trinidad out-Trinidads itself – like when the sitting government rewards its own incompetence with a pay rise – I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor, an idea stolen from the National Lampoon satirical magazine. I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.
It have nothing more vexating to me than people whey cyar even speak good preventing po’ Trinidadians from getting they state handout like normel becaw them gi’ng ’way we petro-dullers to Venezuelians. Is we ten days we want, not no fire-trocking diez dias. Run them Venes and run we morney. Excepting the clear-skin h--. Them could stay.
Bu’ning Tyre Until Them Venes Bu’n Rubber
Back to They Maduro A--
Funny, eh, but, even though our last Attorney-General was arrested just a few weeks ago and even though our political leader Granny making about a thousand statements every day and even though the current government can’t make a note, we’ve still become completely irrelevant.
Fading Yellow Jerseys
Seen Nowhere Really
When I said, “Brexit means Brexit,” what I meant was, “Brexit means two years of my life wasted!” But I know now that the problem wasn’t me! If they think Bojo the Clown can make Brexit happen, they have another think coming. And another crisis. And another general election.
Theresa May Barely Lasted Past May
Prime Minister of Decidedly Not Great Britain
No 10 Now Waving but Drowning Street
Oh, I say, rather, not fair, attacking a man when he’s up. No, nothing, nothing, murmur, murmur, playing fields of Eton, I never hit her, not really hard, what a fabulous haircut of mine. Do you, you know, £340 million every week, you know, National Health surface. Salt-and-vinegar crisps, eh, no strudel. I’m the most popular because I’m the, you know, what, something, eh? Rather!
Heading to Downing Street Although an Idiot Despised by Many Millions of Brits
Supported by a First-past-the-post Majority of 150K Tory Party Members
Please don’t criticise the West Indies team too much because they are really, really vitally important to the development of the sport all over the world! Thank you for understanding!
Bangladesh, Afghanistan, Ireland & Canada
Getting Better Every Year
At Least Compared to the West Indies
You really think our photograph will make the slightest firetrucking difference to the good Evangelical Christians of America? They will still vote for the orange orangutan who thinks the only good Mexican is a muerto hombre. And the only dead babies good American Christians care about are unborn white ones.
Oscar Alberto Martinez Ramirez
And His Tiny Daughter, Valeria
Face Down in the Rio Grande
Okay, you can forget about us again until Justin Bieber or Justin Trudeau does something foolish or Celine Dion releases a new album.
Riding the Raptors Win Until 2040
Even if the Team Could Just as Easily Have Been Called the Back to the Futures
How much suffering do I have to inflict on you all before you understand that, if I did exist, which I don’t, I really don’t give a firetruck.
Toying with Humans for 200,000 Years with Tornadoes, Droughts & Floods
Plus Pestilence Like Peas
Firetruck reparations; we’ll be happy if we can get a cab in Manhattan.
Black American Men
Walking 14 Miles from Brooklyn to Midtown Every Firetrucking Day
Tell the truth: until you saw that viral video of me, six weeks after heart surgery, prancing and strutting and pouting in that gym, it never crossed your mind that I needed to rehearse that sh--, did it? Or that I could need a mirror for it?
Moves Like Me
Accepting Horner Babies Rather than Admitting Shooting Blanks
Okay, okay, it’s a dog whistle and what they really hear is, “Make America Hate Again!”
BC Pires is the honorary American Consul in Port of Spain. Read a longer version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com