Give them stability

When I was a child I had many "homes" because my parents had split up before I was five-year-old, and working out the logistics of their lives and that of their children took some time. It was not the best of feelings, and if I had to pinpoint what disturbed me the most I would have to say it was the uncertainty. That same uncertainty that trailed me into adulthood and which I never knew lingered there until my post-partum depression therapy sessions. Apparently it had quite a major role to play in many of the questionable decisions I had made as a young and even more mature adult. Who would have guessed.

The effects of this uncertainty has been one of the driving forces behind the stability I try to give to my ten-year-old. The reason why I always try to stick to my word is because the slightest change in a child’s life can make them feel like the world is coming to an end, especially if the change is something in which they had no say. I try to be consistent with just about everything, whether it is about the time I pick him up from school, or insisting that the places he can overnight without me is kept to a limit. While I know change is good and inevitable, I believe there are times when the status quo is best.

So if this uncertainty has affected me in the way that it has with just having to move around between borough and town, how do the children who have been forced to leave their homes in Venezuela as their parents seek refuge in TT feel? And it was not just a move for moving sake. They've had to witness violence in their country, endure hunger and displacement, and flee to TT sometimes under perilous circumstances. They've been forced to call a new country "home" for the period of one year. A country whose language they don't even speak and whose schools they may not be allowed to attend. And at the end of the year, what then? For surely, it will take more than a year for their native land to return to anything resembling normal. My uncertainty times 100, I estimate. How will they be expected to cope?

While we can prepare our children for some of the inevitable turns that life brings, our best bet in helping them cope is to teach them how to become resilient. This way they can effectively manoeuvre their way over and around the hurdles they are bound to encounter during childhood and adolescence — life skills they will be able to take with them into adulthood. It may help a great deal if we can prepare them for changes well ahead of those changes. For example, I knew there would be a drastic change in my son's schedule when he moved from standard four to five and prepared him for it beforehand, resulting in a smooth transition. If we can't give them a warning, then there are ways in which we can help them build resilience.

The job of a parent is not to fix everything that is broken, but to create opportunities for our children to solve problems. Teaching children about cause and effect is one of the first places to begin. Sometimes it is painful for me to watch my son endure the consequences of some of his actions, but as a parent I have found that it is necessary. It breaks my heart when he gets a sound bouff from coach and has to do laps because his tennis game is off due to lack of practise, or when he has to do his math corrections while he would rather play because he did not take his time to read the questions properly the first time. But I resist the urge to shield him from these experiences, in order for him to understand and accept that his words and actions can have specific consequences, pleasant or unpleasant. "Think before you say or do," I always admonish him.

In as much as we try to shield our children from all harm, sometimes it becomes necessary, I have found, to keep from eliminating all risk. I allow him to ride to his friend's house around the corner to play and I trust that he has good sense to know when it's time to come home. Incrementally, in time he will be allowed to move on to newer and bolder things that will help boost his confidence.

Helping children to understand and manage their emotions (more on that next week), I have found, is one of the most sacred duties of a parent. Like our erratic adult emotions, their emotions are valid and we need to show them that we understand and care before we even attempt to offer advice on how to manage their anger, sadness and anxiety.

And, as with all other things, the way in which we handle the uncertain will reflect heavily on our children. If we navigate the uncertainty of change with confidence, chances are our children will too.

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"Give them stability"

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