THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY
SUNDAY WAS my birthday and all I’ve got to show for myself after six decades of this cosmic joke called life is the same receding hairline, expanding waistline, infrequent byline and recurring firetrucking punch line: nine times before today, in birthday columns, I’ve repeated the same hairline/waistline/byline joke I first made when I was 30 with a bullet.
Here are 61 pieces of indisputable wisdom, one from each year I’ve defied death.
1. Never fa-- in an elevator/Never elect a brain-fa-- US president. 2. If you can’t get out of it, get into it. 3. Never sneeze while shaving your genitals. 4. Marry your best friend. 5. People prefer pretty lies to ugly truths. 6. Lift the toilet seat. 7. You can’t please everybody. 8. The less-talented are always more critical. 9. Powerful men are secretly terrified. 10. The only diet that works is the eat less/exercise more one.
11. Hush you’re a-- and do your work. 12. Teaching children religious belief as truth is child abuse (Denis Solomon). 13. David Rudder/Bunji Garlin were the future of calypso; but that future panned out as post-Apocalyspo. 14. Never vote for a political party with three initials in its name. 15. The hottie in the gym is looking at her reflection in the mirror behind you, not you. 16. A woman will say she hurt her leg because she walked into a chair; a man will say, “Some jacka-- left a chair in the middle of the room!” 17. If you’re going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use both feet (Keith Richards). 18. You reap what you sow. 19. There is no such thing as a free lunch. 20. Speak of the Devil and he appears.
21. Never laugh with Crix in your mouth. 22. Never say anything behind people’s backs (except for bum-bum compliments). 23. Wait until your own children are adults before you judge your parents. 24. You can change Trinidad governments but not their uselessness. 25. The belt-below-the-boxers fashion is this generation’s bell-bottoms. 26. Don’t smoke: the only con bigger than cigarettes is Donald Trump. 27. Better one true friend than a hundred false ones. 28. If you don’t prevent it, you will become your father or mother. 29. The rich get richer and the poor get children. 30. No one has a clue.
31. Don’t pick up any tissue near any man’s computer. 32. If you must get a tattoo, do not get one of a rose, a tramp stamp or a Guns ‘n’ Roses lyric. 33. You probably won’t be reborn but you’re definitely going to die. 34. Jesus saves but the Devil pays compound interest. 35. Keep a bag that folds up small in your shoulder bag. 36. Wherever you go, there you are. 37. You can only eat one cheeseburger at a time. 38. Money won’t get you to Heaven, but you sure see Hell without it (Christian Soldier/jointpop). 39. A company slogan is a better life-guide than a “holy” book. 40. Women need a reason to have sex; men only need a place. 40. All is firetrucking vanity.
41. Children are the only point. 42. Every age is modern to those who live in it. 43. Be the change you want in the world (Gandhi). 44. Brrrrrrtttt! (Bunji). 45. You have to trust others or you might as well shoot yourself. 45. We die alone for sure but we may be able to live together. 46. It takes all kinds – but apostates are the best. 47. The Age of Reason will arise. 48. For every liberty you take, there is a responsibility you must assume. 49. Blink and it’s over. 50. God is dead (Nietzsche) but love is all you need (Beatles).
51. Never travel long distances in button-fly jeans. 52. The only person you can change is yourself. 53. Those people are indeed talking about you. 54. The louder anyone protests against anything – therapy, same-gender sex, Viagra – the more desperately they need it. 55. Anger is a poison you take and hope your enemy dies. 56. Don’t complain, train. 57. Love thy neighbour – but don’t let thy spouse find out. 58. Old age is crap but it’s still better than the option. 59. It’s depressing to be a 70-year-old bald firetruck driving an expensive sports car, but it’s even sadder to be a 70-year-old bald firetruck catching a bus. 60. Only people you like can disappoint you: your friends let you down, not your enemies.
61. One day I’ll have to get a real job.
BC Pires prefers to think of himself as on the low end of over-60 than the high one of over-40