Chores... they really are important

I was asking around trying to source an outstanding child to feature in this week's Newsday Kids magazine. "Tyler (my teenage nephew) left his room today, does that count? And he washed his plate. That to me is extraordinary," my sister offered. I laughed, but after giving it some thought, it really was extraordinary, if you know Tyler and many other children like him, my ten-year-old son among them. You know, the entitled ones who think their parents are supposed to be at their beck and call and that we live to only to please them. The ones who say, "Mom, you know I don't like bagels," when they see you putting bagels in the grocery cart, as if we are only supposed to buy what they like and forget yourself.

I remember when I was a child my siblings and I had our assigned chores. We didn't always like it but it turned out to be one of the best decisions our parents could have made on our behalf back then. You see, chores is not only about getting the house and yard clean. It is not just about preparing meals and ironing clothes. Doing chores teaches children how to be responsible, independent, and help them to cultivate life skills that will be of benefit to them throughout their lives. I may not be the best of cooks but I am a responsible one. I have never sent myself or anyone else to the hospital, thanks to the time my mother insisted we spent in the kitchen. I am an independent woman on whom people can rely because of the value my mother placed on completing my chores to the best of my ability.

Because my son has such a busy schedule I sometimes give him a free card when it comes to doing chores. Ok, I admit it is mainly because of my obsessive compulsory disorder and it literally causes my blood to crawl when he doesn't fold the towels, sheets and clothes in the way I do it. I feel like I'm losing my mind when he washes dishes and the counter tops and the floor in front of the kitchen sink looks like a shallow swimming pool. I get close to throwing a hissy fit when his bedspread is wrinkled and the pillows are lopsided after he has "just made up" the bed. But I know that by placing all the chores burden on my shoulders I am doing him a disservice because I'm stymieing his personal growth. That and perpetuating my feeling of extreme fatigue at the end of every single day.

Research from a well-known 75-year Harvard study, which looked at the psychosocial childhood variables and biological processes, predicted that children who had chores enjoyed health and well-being later in life. Additionally, they fared better later in life. So what is so valuable about the lessons children learn while cleaning a bathroom and putting away toys? The feeling of competence, the "I can do it" feeling does wonders for their self esteem. So whether they've successfully folded and packed away the clothes that were sitting in the drier for a week, or made breakfast for the whole family, the feeling of accomplishment is enough to want to make them aim for washing, drying and folding in the same day, or something as challenging as lunch.

But parents, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Chores, as important as they are, ought to be age-appropriate.

And don't expect perfection the first few times. You can't have your pre-schoolers putting out garbage or cleaning the bathroom. Pre-school children should be given simple chores such as picking up and putting away their toys each day, picking up their clothes and putting them in the laundry basket, and putting their dishes in the sink after eating.

Children of primary school age can have their responsibility increased with more chores. They should continue picking up after themselves, and can be expected to do things like putting their shoes and book bags away continue. But you can add chores like putting away their school things when they get home from school, watering the plants, and sorting clothes for washing.

Tweens tend to live in a messy world of their own, so it is only fair that they start learning how to take responsibility for and do something about their messes. Try adding cleaning the bathroom, sweeping and mopping the floors to their to-do list. They will most likely be ask to be paid for it, but that's a call only you as a parent can make. Personally, I don't like the idea of paying my tween son for chores that he should be doing because he lives in the house. If I ask him to do something like cleaning my shoes or clipping my toe nails, I may consider paying him if he asks.

The teenage years are as near to adulthood as a child can get, so their chore list should consist of activities that prepare them for the real world. Preparing meals, cleaning the yard, washing, drying and folding their clothes are all things that will serve them well in later life. But don't expect them to be in any hurry to complete the task, unless there is payment involved. Although money doesn't motivate everyone to complete a job in quick time. I recall paying Tyler to rake the bamboo leaves in my back yard about a year ago. His pace was painful.

When my son becomes a teenager I won't mind paying him a weekly stipend for completing his chores, if for no other reason but to teach him how to manage money.