Lifeline: Signs show mental state before murder/suicide

VIOLENT END: WPC Racquel Kipps with her estranged common-law husband PC Michael Youksee, in better times.
VIOLENT END: WPC Racquel Kipps with her estranged common-law husband PC Michael Youksee, in better times.

SIGNS exist before a person kills themselves (and maybe others) that can be detected by friends, family and co-workers, said Lucy Gabriel, head of Lifeline, an NGO that helps the despairing and suicidal.

Newsday sought advice in light of the recent murder-suicide of policeman Michael Youksee and his common-law wife, also a police officer, Raquel Kipps.

“There are signs people see in retrospect,” Gabriel said.

She said people have problems, yet cope – until there is a trigger for the act, and when the perpetrator’s view of the problem becomes very constricted.

Gabriel said murder/suicide can be viewed as the ultimate act of control of a person over another.

“I will kill you and then I will kill myself and no one can touch me,” she said chillingly, describing the state of mind of such a perpetrator.

She said people may be personally suicidal, by feeling crushed about life, and her office gets many such calls.

“But some people won’t call at all,” she pointed out. This group will mostly comprise certain men who then seek to end their lives using means whereby they can’t be brought back medically.

Gabriel revealed that often people intent on suicide actually don’t look depressed, but seem to be exactly the opposite, saying, “All of a sudden they cheer up. Did he clean up all of his affairs?”

She reasoned that, having made a decision to end everything, the person may feel he has solved all his problems, and so appear cheerful.

“People are very good at covering up. The very last people they would ever tell is the people who care about them,” she added.

While the loved ones left behind are devastated by a suicide, the perpetrator has convinced himself they are better off without him.

Gabriel said poor communication is at the heart of many suicides and murder-suicides, many individuals reasoning, “I’ll kill myself because nobody listens to me.”

Gabriel implored that if you see someone looking depressed (such as a workmate), one can use the “Start the Conversation” technique.

“Say a small thing: ‘Isn’t it a nice day?’ ‘I like your T-shirt’ or ‘My name is John’ – That can distract someone on their way to kill themselves. You can reconnect them to those around them.”

She also pointed out that a British study had also found that someone most vulnerable to suicide is the person who is always the life and soul of the party, as they are great at covering up things. Job loss can also lead a person to suicidal thoughts.

“A number of men measure themselves by their ability to provide. With job-loss he may feel useless as he cannot provide.

“It is now to persuade him, ‘You’ll get another job,’ and ‘Your wife married you for better or worse and the two of you can make it together.’”

Likewise, Gabriel said infidelity can affect men very badly.

“Men can’t take horn. It’s about his sense of self.”

While wives hate being victims of infidelity, yesteryear they had to stand by their unfaithful husbands, but nowadays they are often working independently and also are less tolerant of infidelity.

“The woman walks off and leaves him. She’s not taking it.”

Lifeline can be called 24/7 at 800-5588 or 220-3636.

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