Parents, take the first step

When sex educator Onika Henry advised me that the sex talk with my son was going to be an ongoing discussion, she was not kidding. It seems that almost every day there are new questions, new issues from new angles to be addressed, and with quite a few years yet to go. But as I, and the world, watched the Christine Blasey Ford/Brett Kavanaugh story unfold, I realised that this ongoing discussion has to be as deep and far reaching as it is long.

And just to be clear, this article has nothing to do with Kavanaugh’s innocence or guilt, but with facing the reality of the prevalence of sexual violence against women and doing something practical about it.

As a woman I have experienced my fair share of sexual harassment and assault, both in my teenaged years and as an adult. And although I carefully tucked those memories away in the recesses of my mind, I would be lying if I said those experiences don’t affect me to this very day. Recent media bombardment of sexual violence on an almost daily basis, both locally and internationally, now frequently forces the memories to emerge from their dark hiding places to disrupt my “normal” life. Yes, even after so many years!

I’ve often pondered on ways in which I could help prevent at least one other woman from having to endure and treat with the pain, emotional and otherwise, of sexual violence. Now, as a mother, I believe a big part of the solution is always right in front of me – my nine-year-old son.

As idealist as it may sound, as a woman I envision a TT, a world in which women do not have to be looking over their shoulders for fear of being sexually harassed or assaulted – at home, on the streets, in the workplace, at a club, anywhere. As a parent, I believe I have the opportunity to do my part. I won’t fool myself into thinking I can do it alone, or that it may be achieved in my lifetime. But everything starts with a first step, so why not start in my home with my son?

The thing is, we make it our business to teach our girls the skills they need to survive in the misogynistic world in which we live. The list of what they should or shouldn’t do in order to stay safe is exhaustive. Meanwhile, many of our boys learn, mainly by example, that women are inferior and should be treated as property, to be used and controlled whenever and wherever.

The recent report of the Indiana high school student who has been charged as an adult after he allegedly threatened young female classmates into engaging in sexual activities with him broke my heart. Not even twice the age of my son and at a time when he should be thinking of a career and enjoying life with his friends, the teenager faces two counts of rape for forced oral sex and forced digital penetration. Each charge is a level-three felony and carries with it a sentence of three to 16 years in prison. And what of his alleged victims? Will they ever be able to get over the trauma of what they were forced into? Is this the type of violence that will be passed on to the next generation, and the next?

No one can ever be totally prepared to be a parent, and since I became one I’ve taken every opportunity I can to learn about the job. I read, observe, ask, sometimes challenge. Some pieces of advice I deem sound, others I take with a pinch of salt or discard. In my ongoing quest for parental wisdom I’ve often heard people say, “You can make a child but you can’t make their mind.” Rubbish! From experience I know children learn by example and their minds can be shaped. Plus, countless research has shown that most bullies have been bullied, and most abusers have been abused, continuing a vicious cycle. Studies have also shown that if young boys are taught to respect women they will be less likely to be sexually violent when they get older. Violent displays are copied, as are respectful behaviours.

One of the things society discourages in boys is emotional freedom, which the experts say can contribute to the sexist behaviour. University of Florida psychologist Dorothy Espelage advises that sending sexist messages “prime boys to act out in ways that ‘prove’ they are traditionally male.” I recently heard a young man vowing he would never cry in the presence of a woman. “When you show them your weakness they take advantage of it.” Well if crying is a 'weakness', then my boy must be a real sap, because he cries while offloading what is bothering him when he is sad, angry, hurt or disappointed. And I don’t stop him, even when his voice reaches an indecipherable octave. And he laughs just as hard when he is happy or thinks something is funny. The thing is though, because he is allowed emotional freedom he is the most open, gentle, caring and strong kid I know. He may hoard boxes and action figures, but never feelings.

I have learnt that having respect for physical boundaries is another key aspect of raising better children. I admit there was a time when I used to ‘make’ my son hug and kiss family members at reunions. I have stopped doing it. Whether or not he wants to greet someone with a hug and kiss is up to him because I respect that he has taken ownership of his body. Those are his lips and his arms.

The first time he asked for his privacy in the bathroom, I complied. His penis and butt are his. He reciprocates the respect, and I have finally reclaimed my right to use the bathroom without him bursting in while I’m in mid something. I expect it will be the same with the women he will encounter later in life when they assert their boundaries.

Respect for personal space is also right up there with boundaries. Although we co-sleep from time to time, I don't ever invade his space without his consent. And I have noticed that he follows suit, even with things as simple as not probing the contents of my handbag without my consent. As for the sexual consent road, I've already begun laying the foundation for what it means when someone says ‘no’.

Because of my job, my son tends to follow the news. Even when he is just sitting there seemingly engrossed in his gadgets, he listens and asks questions. As a result, especially these days, teachable moments regarding sex and sexuality come up quite frequently. And I’m glad because, that way, he gets a better understanding of sexual issues and is quite comfortable talking to me about them now, and I hope in the future. Parenting is not easy but laying the right foundation at an early age increases the odds of our boys becoming better men. I firmly believe as parents we have the power to eradicate the threat of sexual violence against women one boy at a time.