Raising ‘nice’ children

“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive” – The Dalai Lama

By Carol Quash

For some of us, having to cut back on our Christmas "needs" may have wrenched the focus from the needs of some of our Caribbean neighbours who were hit hard by the passage of Hurricanes Irma and Maria in September. But as far as my son is concerned, helping those whose homes were ravaged by the two female-named storms from hell is still foremost in his mind.

“Mummy, what can we do to help?” was one of the first questions he asked when he had heard of and seen footage and photos of the devastation left in the aftermath of the hurricanes. I admit I was taken aback that the first thought that could have entered his mind was one of reaching out, because sometimes he tends to behave so entitled. But then I reflected on the many times we have had conversations about being grateful and giving back, and acted on them.

Those little before sleep pillow chats about lending a helping hand when we see a need even if it means we have to give up a bit of what we have. Those times we would pass by members of the Salvation Army ringing their little bells and I would encourage him to put a small donation from his own money into the box or basket. Those times we would buy an extra lunch so we could give to any homeless person we met along the way. Those times I would encourage him to share his plum or mango chow with his schoolmates (because apparently it is a favourite there). Those times we would sit and make silly little craft items that he would give to friends. Those times we would visit a children’s home to give of our time in whatever way we could. And here I was thinking the significance of it all was lost on him.

I’ll pat myself on the back this time, because with all the mistakes I believe I’ve made as a parent, this seems to be something I got right. For although I read somewhere that children have an inborn capacity for compassion, their empathetic trait is ever in competition with other developmental forces that are not as becoming, giving rise to many conflicts along the way.

Children have different temperaments and the techniques used in nurturing their empathy and compassion will vary. I read anything I can access on good parenting, and teaching my son about solicitude is among the “good” lessons I try to impart. Some of the advice I discard and some I may have to customise to suit our circumstances, but there are a few elements that have been constant throughout. And they are more effective when they are put into practice.

Being physically present and setting aside gadget-free quality time for children tops the list. I have a tight daily schedule that I try to stick to as much as possible so that when he gets home from school HIS time is available. Once we get homework out of the way he sets the pace for what happens next, well most times. Other times, depending on the amount of fuel left in my tank, I might decide on what he calls an “old people” activity like playing jacks or colouring. But there is always talk, the majority of it from him.

Treating others with respect is another important compassion-building tool. How many times have we heard children being described as sponges - soaking in everything they see and hear. Once they see you, the person many of them regard as god, treating others with respect, they will learn that everyone is important and deserving of it. And I extend that courtesy to my son as well. I often ask his opinions about everyday things, especially the things that involve him, and I take them into consideration. Just because I like or believe something it doesn’t mean that he has to, and I must learn to respect that.

Teaching children good manners, patience and responsibility are also good foundations for empathy. I encourage good manners at home and out. I ensure the store clerks get their “please” and “thank you”, the people in the way get their “excuse me” and the “good mornings/afternoons/evenings” are given out in great helpings in a pleasant tone. I have to admit, though, when it comes to the patience part of it I have a long way to go. I was never a patient person to begin with, so you can just imagine how things have escalated with the added elements of age, raging hormones and a child who pushes boundaries like no other. But I try and that’s a good place to start.

The responsibility aspect I have covered. The age-appropriate chores list has a hallowed place in our home, never mind I sometimes have to re-do some of it unknown to him. The important thing is that he knows and accepts that those are his responsibility. He also knows that it is his responsibility to take care of his things because, unless there is a good enough reason, he will not get replacements. Additionally, if he breaks or damages someone else’s things due to carelessness, he will have to replace it using the money from his little stash that he adores.

Parenting can be difficult and is time-consuming, but the world has become such an ugly place that I think as parents we owe it to our children to make the extra effort to raise them to be the ‘nice’ in their communities. That aside, if anyone knows of a workshop or course that teaches the art of patience, please inbox me. It may help me to calmly explain to the boy for the millionth time why sending toys to Dominica, Antigua and Barbuda is not a top priority at this time. Because in his little world, children cannot survive without toys.