Jobs for the boys

THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY

SUPPORTERS OF the UNC and PNM will dispute who “really” won Monday’s local government elections but I care more about next year’s general election, when 41 people must clearly lose a seat in the House.

So here are new jobs for the losers, based on their House performances.

The most natural parliamentary/new career transition is Colm Imbert, who will go from Finance Minister to stand-up comedian. Some wags will suggest it won’t technically be a career change, but I would argue that his most memorable lines – I raise the price of gas three times and they ent riot yet; when the PM made me Minister of Finance I thought he had to be crazy – show he has the material and, critically, the delivery to turn everything tragic into hilarity, just by giving it his spin. Of course, he will have to work on his timing.

The only obstacle between Colm and stand-up comedy success is that his prospective audience might not be able to tell when he has actually stood up.

In my gimlet/Gilpin eye, I’ve discerned Prime Minister Keith Rowley at his best, not in Parliament (scarf notwithstanding), but in the living room chat-style public appearances in which he connects sincerely with the common, rank-and-file PNM supporters on the floor of a grubby community centre from an overstuffed armchair on a flower-bedecked stage.

Ergo, Keith is a natural as a greeter at what we call a cassy-no, which is a place where very poor people throw away their pennies, en masse, to make a handful of very rich people even richer. Keith’s slightly gruff voice, a handicap for a greeter, is actually a bonus, because I’ll arrange for him to double his income stream by doubling as the casino’s bouncer.

Opposition Leader Kamla Persad-Bissessar’s House skills allow her to pick from a range of jobs. Obviously, the principal of St Augustine Girls High School must even now be looking nervously over her shoulder. But a woman who has lost little of her beauty and none of her charm must be high commissioner to the Court of St James. Kamla was to the good manners born; no one will sip inconsequential tea at Buckingham Palace as gracefully.

Marlene McDonald’s particular skills, in both the House and President’s House, make her a natural selection for Donald Trump’s next press secretary but her mobile phone management skills would cost her the gig, and more’s the pity, because she has a clear knack for being photographed with companions with distinctive ties.

Attorney-General Faris Al-Rawi would, of course, become a real estate agent to the elite; either that or he could offer VIP tours taking his clients’ teenaged children on exclusive tours of restricted sites, including Facebook page photo-ops, with no follow-up questions. Or investigations. Of consequence.

Barry Padarath, after five years of enduring PNM ultra-macho masking-their-own-insecurity personal attacks, is perfectly trained for cleaning up after spoilt children’s parties at Chuck E Cheese.

Roodal Moonilal is a natural ambassador to Hong Kong, where the tape across his mouth will allow him to blend in with the face-masked protesters. (Neither Franklin Khan nor Suruj Rambachan could get this job because it would require occasionally removing his foot from his mouth.)

Fitzgerald Hinds will have to relocate, for three months, to the US to take up the job he’s perfect for: the foreign half of a couple on the new season of 90-Day Fiancé; the fact that he’s already married will only add to his backstory on the show.

Stuart Young will, naturally, take over from Double-G as police commissioner, inheriting wardrobe and attitude alike as a perfect fit, but only if he can be persuaded away from Hollywood.

Daryl Smith will settle in nicely in Woodford Square, as chief executive officer in charge of the maintenance of the female toilets.

Anthony Garcia doesn’t need a new job because, clearly, he was already cast as stand-in for Robert De Niro in Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman.

All the other Members of Parliament will all get the same job they showed themselves to be perfectly suited for: when police in town arrest somebody on a criminal charge, these MPs will get a little something for taking a walk-on, walk-off part in and making up the numbers of identification parades.

BC Pires is a rolodex. Read the full version of this column on Saturday at www.BCPires.com