Staring won’t make my autism go away

Hi, I am Sharda, I am 12 years old. I have Autism but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel bad when you stare at me.
Hi, I am Sharda, I am 12 years old. I have Autism but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel bad when you stare at me.

DR RADICA MAHASE

A few days ago I went to Pizza Hut with my nephew Rahul, who is 14-years-old and has autism. His 15-years-old sister was with us. When seated, my nephew, who is non-verbal made some sounds to indicate what he wanted (we understand him fully) and immediately a little boy, about six-years-old, sitting with his parents and teenage sister in the booth next to us, hung over his booth and kept staring, right up in Rahul’s face, for the next hour. My niece said hello to him a couple of times and he moved away but then came back, maintained his position and continued to stare. At no point did his parents or elder sister tell him anything. I interpreted this to mean that neither the parents nor the teenage sister had any issues with staring at people.

So, why do we stare? Because we’re curious? Because we’re “macocious” or because we just like to get into other people’s business? Do we stare because we are trying to understand the other person’s situation? Or are we empathising with that person? TT, as a society and as a people, we have a tendency to be rather intrusive. We are quick to comment and to give our opinions whether it’s wanted or not. Sadly, we do this with people with special needs/disabilities all too often – whether it’s someone in a wheelchair, a mother holding her son’s hands because he needs help walking or two people speaking to each other in sign language.

Hi, I am Rahul. I am 14 years old. Next time you see me don’t stare, come and talk to me.

Besides the fact that it is just plain bad manners to stare at others, how do we make that person feel when we stare at him or her? Physiological research has shown that the person who is stared at feels uncomfortable and inferior. In the case of kids, they feel like something is wrong with them when other kids are staring at them. Many people don’t realise that everyone has feelings, everyone including those with special needs. For some reason, people think that once you’re in a wheelchair or have any disability like down syndrome, autism, cerebral palsy, etc that automatically means that you have no feelings.

Also, what about how the parents/caregivers or siblings feel when they are out with their special ones who are being stared at? Most parents/caregivers just want to go out with their children and have a non-stressful, uneventful time. They just want their kids to enjoy themselves when they are out. While many are not fazed by the stares because they have become accustomed to it or because they just don’t care, there are those, like myself who are tempted to tell people to mind their own business. So many times I am tempted to say “ok people my child is just a little boy out to enjoy himself, get out of his face.” Now that might seem rude but surely staring at him is rude, so if they are rude why shouldn’t I be rude?

But then judgment prevails and instead I’m tempted to lecture people on how they should correct their children when they are staring; that maybe they should explain to them that this is a person who is different and special in his own way; maybe they should use this as an opportunity to teach their child about disabilities and to help them to understand how it would feel if they were the ones being stared at.

That’s why public outreach programmes are so crucial and kids need to be taught from as young an age as possible. Unfortunately, we cannot assume that parents are teaching their children the proper manners especially given that so many adults are the ones who stare and comment, etc. Therefore, the only way to make an entire society disability-aware and disability-friendly is education, starting from the youngest age possible.

Maybe it’s time for us to have proper parenting classes, where we teach parents how to correct their children in certain situations. In the case of the six-year-old boy in Pizza Hut, his parents could have used this situation to teach their child about special needs, about acceptance, about proper manners. This is assuming that the parents knew all these things. The thing is, once we start teaching kids from very young we might very well have a next generation of kids correcting their parents; only then can society change.

Dr Radica Mahase

Founder/Director, Support Autism T&T

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"Staring won’t make my autism go away"

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