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Sunday 22 April 2018
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Commentary

Letters of marque

BC PIRES

WHENEVER Trinidad out-Trinidads itself — like when the Minister of Works congratulates himself for finding seats on planes at the airports for the thousands of people he stranded at the seaports because he couldn’t get a ferry to work, or Trinidad and Tobago votes against her hurricane-devastated sister Dominica, and the Prime Minister attempts to repackage fake leadership as fake news — I cheer myself up by printing a few letters from the editor.

The bone-marrow good manners which makes the Trinidadian apologise for robbing you at knifepoint when all self-respecting bandits are using guns nowadays forces me to admit I stole this idea from National Lampoon, the American satirical magazine that no longer has a place in a world that elected a Russian joke for an American president.

As always, I certify these letters are 100 per cent authentic because I made them up myself.

Sir

Unpatriotic treasonous UNC agents attacking me for my so-called lack of leadership but I am the king of firetrucking leadership; once it ent have nothing to do with ferry-ship.

Keith Rowley

Prime Minister of Tobago and Trinidad

Smoke That in Yuh Grave, There, Patos

 

Sir

Please tell Trinidad not to bother run about like yard fowl with head pull off making as eef them wasn’t voting bad-mind against Dominica in the OAS. Tell TT we done know that all Trinidad care about is fete & red woman and all Tobago care about is curry crab and making sure they get half of the budget.

The Rest of Caricom

Less Money but More Decency than All-You

Bitter Harvest

 

Sir

Hordes of invading Mexican-Hondurans, North Korea stockpiling nukes, Gina throwing tariffs at US goods like rice at a wedding, cheatin’ Obama still obviously black and Cable Fake News Network still chooses to chase fake news about Russia and Trump! At least everyone has forgotten Stormy now, though.

Donald Trump

Pressing Buttons Wildly Until One Does Something Right

The East Wing of the White House, aka

Mar-A-Lago

 

Sir

Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad.

Euripides

Ancient Greece

Still Current Wisdom

 

Sir

Whom the PNM wish to destroy, they first make ambassador to the Organisation of American States.

Anthony Phillip-Spencer

Taking Licks for Keith

Disorganisation of Stating Any Policy from

Trinidad

 

Sir

Please tell BC Pires that, if he wants to spike his readership, he should forget about that chocolate egg-laying rabbit pretender and start writing about hot chicks with puffy earmuffs, tight bathing suits and beachball-sized implants.

The Playboy Bunny

New Outfits, Same Old Exploitation

Playboy Clubs Closing Everywhere

 

Sir

Lying Western media reports falsely making Russia, Land of Hopes and Glories and million of sexy Slavic prostitutes, try to look bad but Russia is greatest country in history and will crush whole world into porridge for feed to Theresa May after greatest leader in planet break her teeth for insult world’s most magnificentest nation.

Vladimir Putin

Hand Up Bottom of Ventriloquist Dummy Trump

Rubbing Poison on Doorknob of Number 10 Downing Dacha

 

Sir

Pride. Shame. Our way. The respect of the people. Hope itself.

All sense of direction. To Ireland. To Afghanistan twice in one tournament. Nineteen wickets in one day, a Test match in two days. Is there anything we haven’t lost yet? Oh, yes, an ODI by an innings – but give us time.

The West Indies Cricket Team

Strongly Led From In Front

Straight Into Cricket Hell

Sir

What is a letter of marque?

Curious

Setup

Cascade

 

Sir

A letter of marque was given to private ships to allow them to outfit with cannon and commit acts that would otherwise be piracy.

Satisfied

Punchline

Cascade

 

Sir

In October 2016, I flee Aleppo to escape dictatorship of crazy, power-mad, corrupt dictator who exploit his pipples to enrich own family and make more money for himself even if children getting shot down in schools. Moved to America. Town called Parkland in Florida. Seem like I never left home.

Ali Bin Daydreaming

Driving Uber In-between Three Jobs

Pining for Law & Order of Syria

 

Sir

Keep working on getting those “likes.” Play more games. Boost your post for just pennies. Just don’t read the fine print when you click to accept our privacy policy.

Mark There’s-A-Sucker-Born-Every-Minute-Berg

Richer Than Most Countries

FaceWallet

 

Sir

Remember: after they’ve got us, they’ll go for the Jews and then the blacks. Then the schoolteachers. And then the unions. And then it will be your turn.

Homosexuals & Lesbians

Every Country in the World

Equating

Deregulation with Freedom

BC Pires is a marqued man. Read a longer version of this column and more of his writing at www.BCPires.com

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