The guise of emotional unavailability

ADRIANA SANDRINE RATTAN WITH WOMEN IN MIND

When you make the obvious mysterious, then the mysterious becomes unavailable – Walter Darby Bannard

RESEARCH has shown that emotional unavailability (EU) finds itself in one of every five relationships either knowingly or unknowingly.

Many of our International Women’s Resource Network (IWRN) clients continually complain of the numerous excuses advanced by their partners regarding unfulfilled demands.

Though branded differently by some, emotional unavailability simply means that the person displaying such tendencies is not interested in love and/or exchanging emotions on a deep level.

Therein lies the importance of establishing needs, wants and expectations at the very beginning of any relationship so as to evade possible misconceptions and doubt.

According to US-based sex and relationship therapist Dr Megan Fleming, “Emotionally unavailable folks are fiercely independent and may not feel like they need anyone. To protect themselves from rejection, these individuals retreat to their island of restricted emotions; but when someone cuts off half the spectrum of their emotional range, it comes at the cost of joy, excitement, and depth of connection in relationships.”

Being emotionally unavailable is more prevalent among men than women. Though relationships are aligned with key components, the missing link is usually the emotional piece which is either overlooked and/or dubbed differently.

The normal response by EU victims is to shower their partners with loads of love and material things which could never compensate for the void, as recovery requires in-depth conversations and perhaps decisions.

The first noticeable characteristic of an EU, is their unwillingness to commit to anything capable of advancing a relationship, which may even be at the point of connecting. Crazy as it may seem, at the IWRN we have interacted with numerous couples who are both EUs and enjoy comfortable relationships, primarily because their needs and expectations were clarified from the start; that’s the key to any successful relationship with or without EU.

There are some common signs that denote the presence of EU. Those so prone would at times cast aspersions on others when questioned about their EU tendencies. The sexual chapter in the relationship usually precedes everything else, as women often complain of being bullied when approached. Ordinarily, authentic relationships develop through natural progression and once the middle and last phases come first then questions are imminent.

When questioned about their actions, EUs may speak truthfully, but their behavioural patterns remain the same as those are aligned to their fundamental agenda. Because of their “perfectionist” mindset, some EUs avoid hurt and embarrassment by seeking out an unavailable space in the relationship to co-exist. The narcissism syndrome is also alive and well in their minds, as it’s all about them and them only; comparing their circumstances to those of others is yet another signal. Maintaining consistent connections in their relationships would be absent as their primary focus is to avoid creating stability.

The greatest lesson in today’s feature is to establish clear guidelines and expectations at the start of any relationship so as to minimise the occurrence of unwanted grey areas.

Adriana Sandrine Rattan is a communications and branding consultant, author, empowerment builder and president of the International Women’s Resource Network (IWRN) Contact: intlwomensresourcenetwork@gmail.com; https://www.facebook.com/IWRN