Veera Maharaj: Speaking Her Truth

By James Dupraj

Veera Maharaj has a story that is all too familiar.

“At the age of eight, my mother made a drastic move and returned to her maiden home in Port of Spain with my brother and myself,” Maharaj said, attributing this shift in life to her father’s domestic assault and substance abuse.

This move changed her life forever, as, according to Maharaj, her father never looked back once she, her older brother, and mother left, leaving her mother to become the sole breadwinner and emotional support of the family. She also points out that each family member would each see their own personal struggles with this new dynamic, and as a young child she was often burdened by a mixture of feelings.

“I felt hatred for my father for destroying our family, hatred for my mum for taking me away from my dad, unconditional love and value for both my parents and also the need for our safety,” she described the gamut of emotions she would experience.

The experience of growing up with an absentee father has also marred her life in other ways. She explained, “For years, finding ways to close the gaps he left open has been a struggle. All props to my mum for being an amazing single parent, but my dad not being in my life severely crippled me.”

She said her relations have suffered the most because of this, including difficulty in making friends and trusting others, major separation anxiety (the fear that someone or something close will be taken away unannounced), as well as battles with depression.

She also noted that her father was never there for her biggest achievements or teenage outbursts. “In my opinion, my father has paved a way for his daughter to be unstable and insecure, signs of which I’ve seen on many occasions,” she said of the burdens she has faced.

However, while Maharaj’s story may be familiar – and simultaneously heart breaking – she has flipped the script, quite literally. An avid writer and lover of literature, she found that coping and processing of the hurt and unexpected and often alien emotions could be done through writing. She discovered she is her best self when there are paper and pens within her reach, and she has been writing her thoughts and feelings and characters for as long as she can remember.

Initially starting with songs and poetry, she now hopes to learn to play the guitar to have music accompany her song writing. Her poetry, she said, comes from a “dark place” because of her choice to release her hurt through the non-violence of words. She acknowledged poetry has always been her way of expressing anger and sadness. And it is these two genres of writing that have inspired her now to write her very first novel, tentatively titled Finding Myself in the Absence of My Father – An inspirational recipe to self-healing in the midst of distortion.

“The novel is somewhat of an autobiography with an inspirational flavour focusing on my father’s absence,” Maharaj said about the book’s narrative. The novel will also focus on how this absence affected her formative years and her journey to heal from “the distortion it has left me in throughout the years”.

While she noted that her father was an attentive and loving husband and caretaker when sober, his unpredictability during bouts of insobriety took its toll on the family and caused her mother and brother to distance themselves from him. But being the youngest in the family, Maharaj said it was easy for her to be manipulated because she could not easily differentiate his alternating personalities.

“I am proud to talk about my father in some respects, such as the fact that he is an amazing driver, his ability to make everyone laugh, his willingness to help others, and he is very smart. I know that if it wasn't for alcohol destroying my family, my father would've been my hero.

“Growing up I realised several red flags in my life that I just couldn’t understand how (they) got there,” she said. “Some of my insecurities emerged because I didn’t have my dad in my life to prepare me for certain episodes. I realised I was secretly blaming myself for not being able to prevent my family from breaking up.”

She continued that her mother never spoke to her about the shifting and unstable family dynamic, causing her feelings of confusion and guilt to be bottled for years. She would also try to change her father, sending him letters and reminders of her love for him, but felt betrayed when he wouldn’t choose his family. The build-up of such emotions would wear on her for years, until she decided to vent about it through her novel.

Although not fully completed, Maharaj said that she hopes while writing its pages, she will find healing as well as open doors of healing for others who may be in similar situations.

“It couldn’t be a much better time to produce this book than now, especially as a lot of instances today are related to domestic violence, substance abuse, and the negative effects of growing up with absentee parents,” she said. She also noted that while the book is based on real-life circumstances, it’s intent is simply to shed light on lived experiences and spark necessary conversations about the social issues that are often swept under the rug or labelled too taboo and uncomfortable to confront head-on.

“The novel is in no way to hurt my family or let the world know that my family is imperfect,” she assured. “However, I have decided to take healing to another level: finding courage to tell my story and accept every aspect of it that made me the woman I am today.”

She said one of her greatest passions, apart from writing, is her love for people and her undeniable need to help others, particularly children in situations like hers. “I love each and every child genuinely, no matter their background. My heart bleeds for children who are being disadvantaged at the hands of adults. These children then grow up with so much hatred and are forced to release it negatively,” she said of the reasons she believes in a focused and deliberate approach to be a positive influence for youngsters.

This has also influenced her professional goals – she is a graduate of The UWI, St Augustine with a BSc in Social Work. “There is a need of urgency for social workers in TT to help alleviate these prevalent problems that plague our society. I hope to someday be a part of the first Juvenile Court established in TT where I can make a difference in the lives of these young and impressionable ones.”

She said that now she understands more than ever to become a strength for others, you must first become vulnerable yourself. She holds no malice towards her father and says she has forgiven him and reached a place of acceptance many times over.

“Don’t be vulnerable to let others take advantage of your situation, but to empower those who have walked in similar paths,” she advised. “It is powerful to speak your truth as an inspiration to others.”

Bruises

By Veera Maharaj

1.Bruises on my face, bruises on my hands,

Bruises on my soul, bruises on my heart.

Bruises yay high, some three inches apart.

2.These bruises have turned blue, yet my heart is still red,

And the love you thought didn’t exist, isn’t dead.

I’ve got these scars where you hit me every blow,

Scars, that I refuse to show.

You justify them by saying you love me

But I guess everyone shows love differently.

Words of love should be expressed on paper

But you made yours on my skin.

Comprised of not 26 letters but dots, lines and handprints.

3. I’ve got more sinkholes on my body than the karsts in Jamaica.

This country is way too warm to be wearing turtle neck sweaters.

I’m afraid to proclaim tour love for me to anybody.

Others may say it is abuse, but they don’t understand the language you use.

My love for you has got me justifying these bruises.

To the ones who have seen, I say, you don’t know how he is.

They try to tell me people change

And I tell them maybe this is just a phase.

4.To what extent should I draw the line?

To what extent will I go for love to be defined?

Is love having to fear that your life may be at jeopardy?

Or is love just a metaphor for pain and agony?

Is love the colour of red and pink?

Or black and blue with tints?

Love has confused my soul, your bruises have made it hollow,

And your decisions, I am forced to follow.

How do I escape?...

Before these bruises, take another shape?

Comments

"Veera Maharaj: Speaking Her Truth"

More in this section